Making Therapy Work for You: Have Your Feelings Without Your Feelings Having You

I've noticed that most people come in to therapy with some preconception about what to do with their feelings in session: Some believe that venting will help them to heal, others feel that it will be most helpful to remain distanced from their feelings so that they can analyze them. They're both right. And they're both wrong. It's the use of both of these modes in alternation that's most helpful -- though I think that there are better ways to describe them than "venting" and "analyzing."

We need to value our feelings and use them rather than trying to get rid of them through either venting or analyzing. I've found that the best way to do this is to let feelings rise into consciousness, fully experience them, contain them and learn from them, and then decide what to do about them. This means expressing feelings without reacting to them impulsively, and then making conscious decisions about how to live based on what we learn from them.

This whole process could take minutes or years. Some feelings take a long time to fully rise into conscious, and to be fully experienced and fully understood. Others emerge quickly.

This brings up a common misconception about the best way to handle feelings. Many people confuse repression with suppression: Repression is an unconscious way of avoiding disturbing feelings. Suppression, on the other hand, is a healthier tactic in which we make a conscious decision not to focus on something that we already understand. Once you have some sense of why you worry needlessly about something, for instance, it makes perfect sense to delay worrying about that issue, quarantining it until Saturday morning from 10:15 until 10:40 if you need to. It's not necessarily bad to put a feeling aside if you already understand what you have to learn from it.

One reason that it's important to carefully explore feelings as they occur in the session is that we often have layers of feeling, and the obvious layer may not be the most significant one: anxiety may sit on top of anger or sadness, and anger may easily cover fear.

Anne, for instance, was furious that her cousin Sandra cancelled her trip to visit her. She knew that Sandra had some serious problems that made it almost impossible to visit, so she could try to be reasonable about it and avoid the feeling rather than lambasting someone who really didn't deserve it. But she also knew that she tended to become resentful or explode later when she did that. Instead she decided to sit with the feeling, describe it, hold it, see how it felt in her body, and notice the feelings of sadness and fear underneath. She eventually realized that she was very afraid of being alone and forgotten, an old feeling that had little to do with her cousin, and much to do with her past and the way she treated herself. She decided that she needed to make an effort to nurture her relationships with people who had made themselves available, but with whom she hadn't followed through. And that she needed to thoughtfully and more regularly "visit" her own feelings rather than ignoring them or reacting to them impulsively. This was just one in a series of episodes in which she learned to regulate her affect, to have her feelings without her feelings having her.

Some people have difficulty accessing feeling at all. If this is the case for you, you'll need to slow down and focus. Focus on the body to see what you can learn from it. Focus on any seemingly insignificant reactions you have toward your therapist. Focus on the incidents during your week in which you felt the greatest degree of happiness or sadness. It's like slowing down a video to watch the details in slow motion. Or to use an auditory metaphor instead, it's like a radio signal that's very faint. You'll need clear everything else away and listen carefully at first. As you come to identify and recognize the signals, they'll eventually be easier to hear.

One sure way to sabotage the effectiveness of your therapy is to engage in avoidant and addictive behavior -- behavior that allows you to temporarily evade disturbing feelings. If you start to feel something in your session, but then drown it in a binge of drinking, eating or shopping, you won't get as much from the process. This is not to say that you have to wait to get over your addiction before you begin therapy, but that you may need to focus on the addiction in the early part of your process.

Emotions have a communicative aspect to them -- they want something to be witnessed. I'm stressing your response to your own emotions here, but I also want to be clear that there is no substitute for having your emotions seen and empathically received by someone else -- in this case your therapist. But they can't do that if you don't let them see what you're going through.

Finally, as we improve our relationship with our difficult feelings, we also find that we can savor the pleasurable ones more easily. And that makes the process of psychotherapy even more worthwhile.

This is the third post in a series about how clients can most effectively use their time in psychotherapy. For an introduction see my post 10 Tips to Make Therapy Work for You, and for a complete description of 10 these tools see my book: I'm Working On It In Therapy.

I'll be posting next week about how to use the therapeutic relationship. Click "Become a Fan" at the top of this post if you want to make sure you don't miss it.

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Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

Dad, who at the time was a fighter pilot in the United States Marine Corps, taught me how to navigate using a compass. The family was on a vacation in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I was nine.

He got me up that morning before dawn. Mom made us a huge breakfast. I was so excited because I knew that day, I would climb my first mountain.

Once outside the cabin and on our way, Dad stopped for a moment. He looked down at me from above and handed me his engineering compass, which he had used during his Survival School Training. It was like being handed a bar of gold because before that day I was not allowed to touch it.

"Son, we are going to climb to the top of that mountain and you are going to get us there using this compass," spoke Dad with a seriousness not to be ignored.

"But Dad... I don't know how," whined I to a smiling father.

Other than the fact that we made the climb safely, including an encounter with a black bear, I remember few things about that day, and I wish Dad was still alive so that I could refresh my cloudy mind. What I do know is this: I never feel lost, even to this day.

Sure, from time to time in life I feel confused about where I am or where I am going, but I never feel like I will not get where I am supposed to go.


Photo by Patricia Roseman, 2012. Used by permission.

With a compass -- any compass -- one can always pause for a moment in time and figure out where you are so that you can continue. All of us must change course from time to time because what is surrounding us is constantly changing.

To not flow with change will only invite disaster. Sure, you may not notice a difference at first, but if you fight that which does not wish to be fought, you will suffer in the end.

Beyond the obvious, what Dad was teaching me at the time did not take on meaning for many years. On the surface, knowing how to navigate with a compass at sea or on land will only come in handy if you are in a situation where most people would declare, "I am lost and my GPS is out of battery power."

Beneath the obvious is an enormous lesson about independence and the ability to travel along one's own path of life -- a path which will never be a straight line, a path with many bends, hills, valleys, oceans of fog, storms, and dark forests.

The cool thing is this: You have a compass within your being. All of us do. Call it whatever you wish; this is your choice as a human. I have chosen and I call it my inner voice.

Become immune to other people's judgment. Their thoughts of you do not matter -- this is truth. In fact, some will say that everyone is afraid of you, which is why they will lash out with negativity first.

Your internal compass is truth. The physical compass my father handed me that day when I was nine was truth.

The directions of a compass cannot be denied, and when you have faith that what direction you take based on what you see on the compass face is the correct one, you will arrive at the destination you are working toward. Even if you have to change course from time to time in order to go around an obstruction.

Your internal compass is the same, but you must listen to that voice and you must have faith in what you already have -- an internal guidance system.

When I was in high school, my guidance counselor advised me to not apply to a certain university because I was a "C" student, and the only ones who were allowed to go there were much smarter than me.

He said with the smile of one who professes supreme knowledge, "Don't waste your time and your money applying there because you will not get accepted."

I heard his words, thought about them, and decided that I was not going to allow another person to dictate my future. My parents drove me to the campus of Carnegie Mellon University for a portfolio showing/interview with the Head of the Department of Architecture.

I took an exam and a few months later they accepted me, and not the straight "A" valedictorian of my high school class.

After graduating with honors in 1984 I went on to get my architecture license, working as an architect for over twenty years. The guidance counselor was flat out wrong.

How many people listen to the words of others who profess supreme knowledge? How many fellow humans allow their hopes and dreams to be squelched by people who do not know what is inside of them?

My internal compass was screaming at me from within -- and I listened.

Choice. Yours is speaking to you now as you read these words. Sure, there have been times when I caved and listened to others -- many times. And I can think of the disasters that followed from not listening to my voice.

Quiet your mind now for a moment and listen. What do you hear?

Remaining in the present moment, which flows with time, knowing the moment is not static, this is how one is able to hear clearly the voice within. What is your greatest challenge? Do something about it beginning now.

Of course, we all can take the advice and counsel of others. I will always listen to the words of ones whom I respect. But the final say, the composite of all the words spoken, will be finally judged by that which is inside of me and on the terms of my personal compass.

Only you know you completely. No other human will ever come close. So why would you ever let another human decide anything for you?

This post was republished with permission from tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here. The post has been edited for length. The full article can be found on TinyBuddha.

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These Illustrations Are Here To Inspire You Through A Creative Block

Are you in a creative slump?

Going through a dry spell can be incredibly frustrating -- but don't hit your head against the keyboard just yet. Sometimes all it takes is a more positive attitude to shift your perspective and spark some new inspiration (not to mention, adopting an upbeat mindset also has a host of health benefits).

If you've hit writer’s block, painter's block or even a runner's wall, check out the illustrations below. They're here to encourage you to break through the monotony in order to be the most original version of yourself.








Mike Medaglia is a comics artist and illustrator originally from Canada, now living in London. His book One Year Wiser will be published later this fall from SelfMadeHero. His work explores spirituality and comics, and he also produces a monthly comic for The Huffington Post UK. To learn more, visit his personal website, Facebook or follow him on Twitter.

--Posted by Rebecca Scholl

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Ecstasy and Despair on This Historic Day

My husband Brad and I were married in our small church two and a half years ago in a ceremony that included just the priest and two witnesses who were volunteers from the church. Yet, despite its small size, the wedding was a monumental experience, made much more so that it was held within those church walls where we worshiped, and where our love was considered sacred and our vows were understood to be binding before one another and God.

Yet, we were painfully aware that outside the walls, our vows could be legally evaporated merely by crossing a state boundary. In a very real sense, it was within our church where we felt most fully human and beloved by our community and by God. To many in the outside world, our love was a fiction that they could erase with a wave of an official hand.

So, on this day, I am thankful to God for the Supreme Court's decision and to the American people, who are so rapidly recognizing that our love is no longer debatable. It hard for people who have not had the right to marry whom they love to understand what it means to have your government change its mind, after so long, to finally think of you as 'human enough' to enjoy the full benefits of citizenship.

For Brad and me, and now for our son, the decision by the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage across the country is like a gate being opened and entrance granted into the hereto guarded sanctum of being considered fully human.



And so I am rejoicing today, and ecstatic that in the years to come, the love that I share with Brad and the love that millions of other LGBT Americans experience will be honored and that LGBT people will have gained dignity and justice at last.

And yet, today, my heart is also despairing. On this great day of celebration, there is also a funeral and great mourning of the loss of the life of Rev. Clementa Pinckney and eight other African-Americans who were shot in Charleston.

For those nine African-Americans, the church was also their sanctuary. And Mother Emanuel AME was a church where, throughout its history, African-Americans were afforded full human dignity when the outside world wanted to enslave them. That sacred sanctuary was brutally violated just days ago by a twisted, sick shooter and today, we mourn the loss of "The Beautiful Nine."

In a legal sense, African-Americans gained the long fought and centuries overdue recognition of their humanity in the Supreme Court and in the Congress a few decades ago. Despite this, the last year of police brutality in Ferguson, New York, Cleveland, Baltimore and now Charleston shows us the limits of these rulings. And the Supreme Court itself gutted some of those same civil rights in a recent ruling. African-Americans still live within a deeply racist America that now has invaded the sanctuary of the church.

Despite this, anyone who watched the church service at Emanuel AME last Sunday knows that the Church may have been broken into, but it is anything but broken. That sanctuary has a strength and will not be diminished by sin and hate, but will ultimately grow stronger.


Senior Pastor, Rev. Clementa Pinckney, hugs a church member after the Watch Night service at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina January 1, 2013.

The church that performed my wedding to Brad and Emanuel AME church are two very different places, but both are important reminders of the role church must still play in the world.

No matter what the Supreme Court ruled today, it will still be dangerous for Brad and I to even hold hands in most of America, must less embrace or kiss. For African-Americans, just walking down the street or driving can be a cause for racially-motivated harassment or violence.

In a world that continues to diminish and discriminate, the church, if it is to mean anything at all, must be a sanctuary for all people to be fully themselves and feel the dignity and pride in who God made them -- whatever race, gender, sexuality, culture, religion or size.

On this day of celebration and mourning, let the church lead the calls for continued justice, compassion and love for all of humanity. Remembering American martyrs like Rev. Clementa Pinckney and the Beautiful Nine as well as those Americans who have died as the result of anti-queer violence, let us all work together towards that great day when we can wipe away all the tears of oppression and discrimination and join hands as one people, free at last.

Also on HuffPost:

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6 Ways to Live Simpler

My Monday went like this.

I mapped out an entire day of writing and editing, planning and getting a project completed. It was going to be a busy day, and I was at my desk at 6 a.m. getting the first tasks completed. The morning zoomed by and I took a break for lunch. And as I was putting my dishes away, the phone rang. My sister called and wanted to talk. Two and a half hours later, we said our goodbyes.

The old me would have stressed. "Yikes, now I'll be working late into the evening trying to get my plans completed."

The new me had a different attitude. "I'm so happy I got to spend time with my sister." I checked email for burning issues, turned off my computer and closed up for the day.

Frankly, I like the new me a whole lot better.

I remember the days of feeling like I had more to do than could ever get done. I remember scheduling far more for my days than I realistically could complete in a week. And I remember the stress that came with it. So I slowed down. I live simpler. And it's made all the difference.

A simpler life doesn't mean one with less in it. It means giving yourself more space to get to what truly matters. It means living without the noise that comes along with putting yourself in overdrive. It means finding joy with every thing you do, not just with the thought of large wins.

How did I do it?

Live with less, appreciate more
We all have too much stuff. It comes with living in a consumer-based world. Three years ago when my husband and I sold off our suburban home and got rid of two-thirds of our stuff, we no longer looked at stuff in the same manner. It felt good to get rid of stuff. But it did something else. It made me question every purchase I make. And it's allowed me to enjoy the things I do have in a new way. I make do. I find hacks for the things that need to get done. And if I currently have something in my possession, I use it on a regular basis. I appreciate what impact it has in my life.

Live deliberately
What is the best use of your time? What should you be doing right now? Are you living on autopilot, or do you consciously live each day doing what is best for you? It's easy to fall into the autopilot routine. But autopilot doesn't allow you to discover who you really are, nor does it give you the space to do what is best for you. If you don't know what is the best use of your time for today, maybe it's time to sit down and determine what is.

Live in the moment
A few months ago, we had a family dinner at a local restaurant. I'm talking about a large, extended family dinner, with people of all ages. There was a lot of talking, sharing, laughing, and moving around as we spent a couple of hours in each other's company. At the table next to us sat a mom and a daughter, each with a cell phone in hand. They sat down, ordered, consumed their meal and left, all without speaking a word to one another. My daughter noticed; she said, "how sad." I agree. When you live in the moment, you enjoy what is happening without escaping to an outside place. You stay focused in the present to enjoy the beauty of what is around you, in the presence of who you are with.

Live by standing still
Have you ever spent time with a person that over-commits to activities and experiences? It's a draining experience as you run from one place to another, often late because there is very little time to spare. Unfortunately for many people, that becomes a way of life. Not only can over-committing to activities leave you drained emotionally, it can drain your energy as well. There's a Zen proverb that says, "Everyone should meditate 20 minutes per day. If you're too busy, you should sit for an hour." Standing still teaches us to be calm with ourselves, to relax, and to enjoy just being. Make sure you have standing still time every day.

Live with meaningful relationships
People bring different things into our lives. We're born within a family. We develop friendships over time. And while each relationship has the potential to help build us into who we are meant to be, it can just as easily prevent us from doing all we can. Strive to spend time with those that turn you into your greatest self. Create your space to include people that motivate you, not hold you back. Be willing to let go of relationships that don't push you to be the best you can be, and spend the time carefully nurturing those closest to you.

Live with what you love
What do you love? What brings you joy? Is your life filled with love and joy? It's not about the big things; it's in the details. And when you carefully plan out the details you enjoy most, they can add up to living your best life. A great cup of tea, a walk with your dog, 30 minutes writing on your novel, flowers on your desk, lunch with a best friend, reading a romance novel, a candlelit dinner -- all of this will have more meaning and be more enjoyable when you implement it into your day.

Remember, life doesn't change all at once; it changes one moment at a time. One change becomes two; two becomes four. Eventually even the things you "have" to do become more enjoyable, all because they are a deliberate part of your life.

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My Soulful Conversation With Neale Donald Walsch

By the age of 22, I was filled with more questions about life than answers, so I began a journey for spiritual knowledge that most books I'd read by that time didn't answer. I was also faced with the challenge of finding peace even while in the midst of having what most would perceive as having everything. Yet, I was empty, lost, lonely, confused, and in inner turmoil.

Somehow, I made a connection with a like-minded friend on MySpace, Aaren Kindle. He began to recommend me book after book that I would read, finished in days, and then asked for more. Then came the suggestion to read Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch; this is when everything changed. After reading every copy in that series, I found myself. I found myself in Neale because he asked questions I would ask. I found myself in God because God, I felt, answered questions not how I expected but in ways that somehow made perfect sense. I also received answers to questions that I'd had since childhood.

So, here I am 8 years later about to interview Neale Donald Walsch live and reliving memories of what felt like our first encounter. In the week leading up to it, I reviewed spiritual questions I might ask him. But with every question I came up with, God gently answered and reminded me of the relationship I almost forgot I had. I decided to take a different approach because I still felt the nudge to ask Neale questions, which turned into a one-on-one conversation that I will never forget.

Saba Tekle: Are we choosing how God communicates with us?

Neale Donald Walsch: I think it's the reverse. I think that God is choosing how God communicates with us and that God will stop at nothing. God speaks to us in an endless variety of ways -- communicating with us, through us, as us, in a non-stop communication from the divine -- and I have this idea that God chooses ways that would make God's communications ultimately clear to each of us within the context of our own ability to understand and to receive those messages.

For instance, this very telephone call.

ST: There is someone out there who wants to make a difference like you, but may feel he or she is not "chosen" because they can't "hear" God? What is your message to them?

NDW: Everyone is chosen. There is no person who is not chosen. Everyone can hear God. There is no person who is not hearing God, but there are many people who imagine they are not hearing God for a wide variety of reasons.

God's communications come to us in an infinite variety of ways, an endless variety of ways, including this column that people are now reading in the Huffington Post through which God is saying to everyone, "I'm talking to all of you, all the time. I'm talking to you right now through this column in the Huffington Post. It's not a question of to whom am I talking to. It's a question of who is listening, and for that matter, who believes that they're actually hearing from me."

For I tell you this, you will dismiss my very communication in the very moment that you're receiving it. Even as people who are reading the Huffington Post right now will read these very words and deny that they are coming to you from the source of divinity within you.

ST: We are all one, you've said it many times. Why does it seem that we have to be alone, meaning take this path alone, or separate ourselves from everyone to see that we are all one or even begin to feel it?

NDW: Because when we are with other people, especially with more than one or two other people, when we are in the large group or moving about our life in the world at large we are caught up in the energy of the collective consciousness. And the collective consciousness projects an energy of separation that we are in fact not all one, but we are separated from each other in a sense from life itself in that we can observe life.

ST: In the world that we live in today, how do we find a balance between our souls and work life? It seems at times my soul wants to do everything for free, but my ambition/flesh doesn't. How does spirituality and business, or our soul and business, mix?

NWD: First, you have to get rid of the cultural story that there's something wrong with money. The problem is, the root cause is again our cultural story -- all the good things should be done for free; only bad things are done for money. "Money is the root of all evil" is the teaching, and so the highest part of us wants to not charge anyone for anything because we want to give it away as a gift to humanity.

In this, our culture has it completely and utterly backward. We should pay the highest salary and provide the grandest income for the people who are producing the greatest good. But we've got the ratio of good to income utterly reverse on the earth to a point that's made specifically in Conversations with God -- "Why are you doing that? Why are you demonstrating that you value the least, what you say is the most important."

Wow. But that's an example of how backward our species is. See, we have a very young immature species that doesn't understand the simplest things. This is really simple stuff. So, it's a backward society that we live in.

ST: You've been in this industry for quite sometime.

NDW: What is the industry that I am in?

ST: As a spiritual leader, as a new thought leader, as an author, as a speaker...

NDW: I sure hope spiritual leadership is not an industry. Oh God, help me...

ST: Lol. What I want to ask is is there anything that disappoints you since you've embarked on this journey as an author, as a writer, as a spiritual leader when you are being introduced to working with other people? Have you experienced disappointments on your journey?

NDW: As a human being, I would be less than human if I wasn't disappointed in something that happened through the years. So the answer is of course. Of course who would say no, except maybe Jesus? However, when I'm in my more elevated place when I look at things from the perspective of my soul, the answer is no; I'm not disappointed, only when I come from my limited mental human perceptions, which are very limited. But as I shift my perceptions to the perspective of the soul, the answer is no I'm not disappointed.

Understanding replaces forgiveness in the mind of the master. Remember that always. Put it on your mirror in lipstick or soap. Understanding replaces forgiveness in the minds of the master.

ST: How much of your continual success as an author is from planning? Does every book just fly off the shelves?

NDW: I don't plan anything in my life, least of all the so-called, as you called, success of my books. I am not concerned with what you phrase as the success of my book. I am not concerned with success at any level. My only concern, if I have any concern at all, is with getting the message that I've been offered to share to as many people as I can, as fast as possible; and I'll do that by any means -- by writing books, by giving lectures, by producing workshops, by talking to people in groups anywhere from fifteen hundred to fifteen, or having an individual conversation with a sweet young woman who is writing a column for the Huffington Post. I don't measure the success on how it's all turning out in anyway because I don't care. All I care about is... Neale, are you using every moment of your day in a way that serves the agenda of your soul?

To read or listen to the full interview go to: http://sabatekle.com/blog/conversation-with-neale-donald-walsch/.

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Daily Meditation: LGBT Pride

We all need help maintaining our personal spiritual practice. We hope that these Daily Meditations, prayers and mindful awareness exercises can be part of bringing spirituality alive in your life.

Today's meditation features a portion of a prayer written by Rev. Meg Riley after the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act was approved by Indiana legislature in March 2015. June marks LGBT Pride Month, and with this meditation we honor and celebrate the lives of gay, lesbian, transgender, queer and questioning people everywhere.



A Prayer for LGBT People in Indiana (portion) by Rev. Meg Riley

This prayer is for you.
May you know you are a child of God, beautiful and beloved, just as you are.
May you know that your worth and dignity can never be voted away.
May you know your people, living, dead, not yet born, and hold them to you.
May you know that straight allies who hold you dear are aching with you.
May you feel the support of people you will never meet, of all orientations and genders.
May you refuse to be a witness in the trial against yourself and your people.
May you know that your love is the precious gift you have been given.
May you feel compassion for all the people, all around the world, who have been told they did not matter, and may that compassion sustain you.
May you live in love.

May you live in love.

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A Practical Guide to Being Mindful

Connecting to the very centre of your being is the doorway into which Being Mindful is entered, and it can re energize and revitalize you in a way that nothing else can. You don't have to meditate to achieve this feeling, nor do you have to be anywhere special, because it can be done in a heartbeat.

With a simple breathing technique and a quieting of the mind, you will find that you can connect to your centre wherever you may be.

All you have to do is close your eyes and take a deep breath, and when you breathe out, feel yourself settle into the center of your being. Visualize a light source in the middle of your body, kind of like your own private sun. Picture it and feel it contained within you, because it is always there helping you to feel secure, grounded and in tune with your own nature.

You can tap into it at anytime throughout the day. Whether it is a quiet moment just before you embark on something new, or the times when you need a little more energy to get you through the day, it is a great way of giving the task at hand the intent and focus it deserves. It can even be done when you are out walking, moving from one location to another, as a way to give thanks for what has just passed, and as a way to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for what lays ahead. Any any decisions that need to be made can be met with better clarity, if you give yourself a moment to center your thoughts. You will find that it is easier to hear your own inner guide, your own voice, when you give yourself a moment to feel centered when things become a little cloudy.

Feeling centered allows you to know the truth, because it is the truth that lies at the very centre of all things, and if you put aside all of the emotions and thoughts of past and future, and focus on the centre of your very being, that is where you will find the truth. Its a peaceful place, one free from emotional disarray, it allows you to engage with those around you more meaningfully, because being centered helps you to listen, not only to others, but to yourself, to the part of you that will always lead you down the right path.

With a feeling of empowerment and expansiveness that is both encouraging and positive, you will find that you can provide yourself with all of the nurturing fuel that you need to move forward to get on with things, enabling you to feel what it truly means to be centered which will help you to better engage in the present moment, which in itself is a gift.

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How Handbags Have Marked My Life Stages

Lately, I have been carrying a small cross-body bag inside my cavernous tote bag. "Why two purses?" my stalwart husband asked when he caught me doubling up. "You're not becoming a bag lady on me, are you?"

No, I'm not becoming a bag lady. But I am transitioning. My life stages have always been marked by what I carry on my arm and as I inch closer to retirement, this is still proving to be the case. Right now, I am on the cusp of my oldest child leaving for college, my youngest one is just months away from driving, and my husband spends most of his free time studying those "best places to retire" lists.

My handbag selection perfectly reflects where I am in life: Confused, trying on a few new hats while being reluctant to let go of the past which is still technically the present. Make sense?

Let me explain: As a 1960s hippie, I sported a long woven bag made by a tribesman from the mountains of Nepal. Who am I kidding? It was probably mass-produced in China like everything else in America at the time, but it still served my desire to let the world know I wanted to change it. I flirted with similar bags in designs from Central America, from Africa, from any Third World place on the planet. I wanted to end poverty, embrace equal rights for women and minorities, and make marijuana legal. It's been 50 years and I still want those things. But I remember that bag with great fondness. It lacked pockets, organizers or even a top closure. And when the knit strap broke from the weight of my possessions -- which it did with great regularity -- everything would scatter on my First World sidewalk and I'd have to get down on my hands and knees to shovel it all back into the satchel. The most memorable -- and ultimate -- bag malfunction came in one of the narrow alleyways in the Old City of Jerusalem. I left it there, which felt appropriate as a final resting place for my bag of lofty dreams and eternal optimism.

When I began my career as a journalist in the 1970s, I switched from a fragile hippie bag into something that allowed me to carry all the tools of my trade -- notebooks, pens, a camera, city council agendas, a rolodex and tons of coins in case I needed to stop at a pay phone to call a source. I also carried a pair of sneakers because my old crusty editor told me how reporters needed to traipse through mudslides, landfills, dicey 'hoods, and be able to chase after politicians who tried to evade their questions by darting out a statehouse window. Yes, that last really happened; this was New Jersey after all.

Being promoted into a management job meant more time in the office and less time in the muddy swamps, and my handbags adjusted accordingly. I carried a dainty little thing, just large enough to carry a tube of lipstick that I was wearing for the first time in my life. I now sported a real hair style, so a tiny comb went in it as well, along with a collapsible toothbrush because it turns out that my mother was right about brushing after every meal. With my new job and accompanying raise, I bought a house -- which meant I no longer had any wads of cash to take up space anyway. It was about this time that ATMs began to sprout on the landscape of my life. With one card in my tiny bag, I was good to go.

Becoming a wife meant that I became the family sherpa and gradually moved up the food chain of handbags until I reached the seriously large category -- the kind they sell in the luggage department. My bottomless pit of a bag was used to carry everything my husband and I needed, especially when we traveled: the thick travel guidebooks, extra eyeglass cases, car keys, house keys, sunscreen, rain ponchos, extra sweaters, and hardcover books to read on the plane.

And becoming a mom meant upsizing even more to a bag with room for snacks, sandwiches and water bottles. Throw in a stint as team mom and you would also be throwing in a spare set of shinguards for the player who inevitably forgot his and holding Joey's inhaler for him in case he needed it. For awhile, I toyed with the idea of a purse on wheels. Yes, my shoulders and back hurt that much.

Now, in the digital age, I carry my laptop and/or tablet with me wherever I go. My tote also has chargers for the devices, plus my big new smartphone. I still carry a reporter's notebook and pen just to jot something down, and yes, on most days there will be a change of footwear in there as well, plus a big scarf in case the air conditioning is turned up too high.

So, as my husband asked, what's up with the little cross-body bag within the greater tote? I'm trying it out, I told him. I sometimes leave the larger bag in the car and take just the smaller one with my wallet and car keys. I am testing out what it will feel like when no one needs me to hold their things or be the one prepared for every emergency and contingency. I'm getting used to the idea of not being able to produce a power bar or an orange on demand when someone is hungry. I am proving to myself that I really won't miss anything important if I don't compulsively check emails and texts on three devices at every red light. Or maybe what's really going on is that I'm just trying to use a new handbag. As Freud meant to say, sometimes a purse is just a purse.

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10 Things Over-Thinkers Are Tired Of Over-Thinking

While writing this intro, I deleted the first paragraph approximately six times. My thoughts ranged from "Just get to the point already" to "That sentence makes no sense." Truthfully, I probably was getting to the point and my sentences most likely did make sense.

Hi, I'm a chronic over-thinker. Nice to meet you.

To say that it's somewhat tiring to live with an over-thinking brain is an understatement. Yet, the cycle constantly churns, despite attempts to quiet those incessant thoughts. Below are just a few things all over-thinkers are tired of overanalyzing (but really, we just can't help it).


Photo Credit: Gary Houlder via Getty Images

1. That text message from our significant other.
"I'm fine." What does that mean? Why a period and not an exclamation point? Over-thinkers are notorious for breaking down the anatomy of a text message, right down that last piece of punctuation.

2. That comment from our boss.
Logically we know a little criticism isn't going to get us fired, but we can't help but make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to our work. But our extreme analysis may actually impede our performance. According to a UC Santa Barbara study, thinking too much about a task may actually be a distraction and affect the outcome. Yikes.

3. The first impression we just gave off.
"Did I laugh too loudly?" "Was I too opinionated about that Supreme Court ruling?" "Did I have something in my teeth?"

4. Our weekend plans.
Or any plans for that matter, because our indecisive nature comes into play. Don't even get us started on where to go for dinner.

5. That fight we just had with our friend.
You know those montages that happen in movies when two people are on the outs? Welcome to the front-row seat of an over-thinker's mind. Not only do we replay the strong words we exchanged, we also map out in our brains what could've happened had we said something different. That outcome is always much better.

6. Our painful breakup.
Failed relationships are basically our kryptonite. But take heart, over-thinkers: All that ruminating may be helpful after all. A study published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found those who analyzed their breakup more often through a series of questionnaires regained their sense of self more quickly than those who did not. A pint of Ben and Jerry's isn't too bad, either.

7. What it means if our leg hurts or if we have a cold for more than a day.
See also: Hypochondria. (But really, if you're super concerned, please see a doctor.)

8. The tweet we just sent out.
Well, we thought it was funny but apparently the two followers we just lost didn't agree. Delete.

9. The worst case scenario.
For over-thinkers, "we need to talk" or "let's set up a meeting" may as well mean pack your bags. Our brains instantly dart to the least favorable outcome as a defense mechanism. However, research shows this negative or hostile thinking is hardly beneficial. A sour mindset has been linked to higher risk for stress and even some physical health conditions.

10. The fact that we can't stop overthinking.
Seriously. It's exhausting.

In all honesty, it's not a simple matter of "shutting your brain off." Over-thinkers can't help but get lost in the corners of their minds. But while we're working to "let it go" a little more (PSA: meditation helps), we wouldn't complain if you added an exclamation point rather than a period to the end of your texts. You know, just in case.




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A Hidden Solution to America's Health-Care Crisis

We all need to accept and build a future where prevention becomes a dominant force. Waiting to get sick before going to the doctor makes no economic sense.

Fill Your Life With Less

I have been on a personal quest for the last three years to become the best possible version of myself that I can be. Over the course of that time, I've learned that in almost every instance it wasn't about more, it was about less. It was about less food, less procrastinating, less drama, less unhealthy relationships, and just generally less bullshit.

There seems to be this thing in us that wants fill the voids in our lives with more. We think we need more people, more stuff, and more money to be happy. We treat ourselves to fancy coffees and new clothes, are obsessed with apps like Tinder that make dating as meaningless as fast food and make random purchases on our way to check out stand thinking that in the moment, that stuff makes us happy.

You've all heard the expression: You can't walk into Target without spending $100 dollars. Why can't we leave Target without dropping a Ben Franklin? Because we see all of this shiny, pretty shit on the way to the register that we think will make us happy. (See this as reinforcement: "Ten Ways Target is Robbing You.")

I had a photo shoot a few weeks ago at someone's private home. It wasn't the client's house, but at a mutual friend of ours, Tommy Keenum. I've known Tommy for years but had not ever been to where he lived. As a photographer, I have been on a lot of beautiful sets, I have been to a lot of amazing homes, I have seen multimillion-dollar estates, but I have never seen any place quite so beautiful and inspiring as this tucked away, hidden gem right in the middle of my own neighborhood.



It wasn't the size or the grandeur that was so remarkable. It was the thought and consideration that he had put into it that took my breath away. It wasn't the cost or brand of the furnishings that was impressive. It was the attention to every minute detail that he had cultivated that left me awestruck.



(He used copper on walls and added unusual architectural details in the doorways and ceilings.)

Most of the furnishings were heirlooms or auction finds and many were things that as it turned out, he had made by hand. Things he had designed or created from found objects. The one common denominator was that all of them were things that he loved.



(This bedside lamp / table he made himself from things he found and I loved the use of old mirrors in the hallway.)



(Hindu carvings on the banisters give the staircase new interest and he designed an outdoor fireplace himself and enlisted a friend to build it for him.)

I tossed and turned all night that night knowing what I had to do.

The next day I hauled all of my old shitty living room furniture, except for the one chair that I truly love, to the dump. I enlisted a wonderful artisan, writer and friend to build me a desk by hand to work from. I made a deal with a friend to help me go room by room and throw, sell or give away everything that I didn't need, love or had made myself. I wanted to start over with a completely clean slate so that I can cultivate that kind of space to live, love and create in.

Over the course of two weeks, we've been through every single drawer, closet, and forbidden hiding place. We dug out everything from under the beds, opened and went through every stored box, bin and tucked away bag. We literally left no stone unturned. It's been a filthy, emotional and hilarious process. One day, among the shit we found were 37 tiny bottles of dirt that I had collected and a pair of Possum fur nipple warmers.



What the literal fuck? This is the shit that is taking up space in my home and life?

Nope. Not anymore. I got rid of the cheap Target bookshelves and Ikea side tables. I gave away stacks of books, frames, crappy lamps, clocks, kitchen utensils, piles of clothes and all kinds of shit that no longer serves me.

I threw out old flowers from funerals, old gifts and mementos from relationships that have long since run their course. I let go of things that I have held on to for far too long. I kept a small box of things that I will pack away to keep. But I literally touched every single item under this roof and asked the question, "Do you need it, love it or did you make it?" and if the answer was "no," no matter how hard it was, it went.

Maybe I'll take up a new hobby by visiting auctions or flea markets. I don't know. I'll get furniture at some point, but it will be pieces I love or that mean something to me. And I don't mind the space one bit in the meantime. It gives me room to breathe.



To say that it has been cathartic is an understatement. To say that it feels good is a gross misrepresentation. Not only is everything clean and organized; I no longer cringe when I open the closet in the laundry room, I no longer shiver when I think about the top of the refrigerator and what might live up there. It is also very much a physical manifestation of what I want for every aspect of my life.

I want to surround myself with the things and people I really love and need. I would rather have nothing than have a bunch of shit around me that is falling apart, reminds me of the past or serves no purpose other than to take up space, needs constant attention or dusting, or simply feeds my ego in the moment.

I want to give everything in my life, relationships and work the same respect and attention to detail that Tommy put into building his home. And in order to do that, I have to strip away everything that doesn't add to my life, art, work or well-being.

My home is now a reflection of what I want my world to be. Filled with only things I need, love or made. It feels fresh, clean and healthy. It feels like a solid foundation to build on and Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle stick that feels good!

Go ahead, you know you want to. Look over there at that bookshelf that you secretly hate. Pull out the two things from it you really love and throw the rest of that shit away.

Epiblog: A place for paying it forward and supporting artists, entrepreneurs and people who inspire me. I hope you find some inspiration here too.

This week's epiblog goes out to Aaron Lee Tasjan.



(Photo Credit: Stacie Huckeba)

As I clear things out that no longer serve me I find that I have more space to add things that do. And just like with my home, it applies to my life. Aaron Lee is a new friend that I am making some space for these days. He is smart, funny and works his tail off. He is also a brilliant songwriter and some kind of Voodoo master on the guitar. He's one of the good ones. Clear some space off your own music shelf to make room for his records then treat yourself for doing it by going to see his shows -- aaronleetasjan.com

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This Version Of 'Oh, The Places You'll Go' Captures The Sad Reality Of Adulthood

Well here's one story we hope to never actually see in bookstores.

Recently, anonymous Imgur user RunOnSentence spoke to the souls of adults everywhere by uploading a rewritten version of Dr. Seuss' coming-of-age tale Oh, the Places You'll Go! The remake, Oh, The Places You'll Go! (As An Adult), paints a different picture of adulthood than Seuss' rainbow-colored paths leading the way to goals and dreams. Think more work, less, well, anything else.

The book sadly nails an all-too-familiar reality for a lot adults -- one that consists mainly of spending time in the office. A reality that, quite honestly, is terrible for happiness and well-being.

Reports suggest that stress may be a significant cause of employee sick leave and is also a major source of lost productivity in the workplace. Not to mention the fact that approximately 42 percent of Americans didn't take any vacation days in 2014, according to a Skift consumer survey. Now that's something Dr. Seuss never warned us about as kids.

The truth is, taking space from the workplace is actually beneficial for our health because it helps our brains unwind. Managing stress can help reduce our risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, mental health issues and more. Research also suggests that planning a vacation may increase our happiness levels.

Check out the adult-ified version of Oh, the Places You'll Go below -- then schedule some time to relax, stat.

Oh, The Places You'll Go! (As An Adult)

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Can One (Leap) Second Change Your Life?

On Tuesday, the whole world will get an extra second.

The official reason for this leap second is that the earth, despite our best intentions, doesn't run like clockwork. So, every few years, those who keep time for us have to change the time in order to keep things ticking over nicely.

Maybe you think this is inconsequential. Even discussing it might seem like a waste of precious time. After all, how much can you get done in one little second? And don't the really important things in life take time? Unless you work in a high-precision industry, or you're watching an online clock on June 30 at midnight UTC (8 p.m. Eastern), you might not even notice this little gift of time.

But a lot can happen in one second.

In just one second, you can send a tweet that ruins your reputation. In just one second, you can take your eyes off the road. Or, in just one second, you can break your own ultramarathon record. In just one second, you can read a few words that brighten your day. In just one second, you can look into someone's eyes and say, "Yes."

Some of the best things in life don't take time at all -- they happen in a moment.

It only takes a moment to have a mind-blowing realization. It only takes a moment to have a breakthrough idea -- to conceive an innovation that changes the world. And it only takes a moment to focus your mind on what you value most -- and start the next moment from a position of real strength.

It also only takes a moment to open your heart wide. It only takes a moment to beam love out across the universe, completely shattering the boundaries of space and time. And it only takes a moment to receive that love, too.

Of course, the adjustment on June 30 will be to our time-keeping devices, not to life itself. And that's because life -- completely oblivious to human time-keeping -- just moves along as it always does, moment by moment. In other words, you can think of the leap second an adjustment to our perception and experience of time.

This means that the leap second could actually be considered a global event of some significance. For the leap second invites us to reflect on how we spend time. It gives us an opportunity to make every second count. And it invites us consider what we -- individually and collectively -- could accomplish with just one second of focused intention.

So when your leap second arrives on Tuesday, please use it wisely.

If you're very enthusiastic, however, there's no need to wait--you can have a pretty amazing moment right now.

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What could you do with a leap second?
Join the #MyLeapSecond conversation on Twitter by following @MartinBoroson and @OMM365.

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Martin Boroson is a leadership consultant, keynote speaker, and author of One-Moment Meditation: Stillness for People on the Go. He runs executive and workforce training programs in meditation, time management, and the power of focused attention.

Try the free One-Moment Meditation mobile app: www.onemomentmeditation.com.

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10 Things I Wish I Had Known Before My 40s

As a woman in my late 40s, the past decade has been a time for personal reflection and growth. I've learned many important lessons and gained new insights, probably more so than in any other decade. I often find myself saying, "If only I knew then what I know now." If I could share any wisdom with anyone still in their 20s or 30s, it would be these 10 things.

• Do work you enjoy.
Life is way too short to be spending 40+ hours a week doing work that is stressful or not satisfying. Money is important, but so is happiness. There is no reason you have to keep sucking it up, grinning, and bearing it. Figure out what you love doing and find a way to get paid for it. You will be so much happier when you do.

• Figure out your purpose and live it fully.
Identify what is truly fulfilling, important, and meaningful to you, and start living it now. Uncovering your purpose often takes time and work, but it is worth it. Don't waste your time pursuing things you think you want or that others think you need. Rather than living a life of random choices, you can truly live a life full of direction and meaning.

• Love and accept yourself unconditionally.
You were born a unique individual and are fine just the way you are. Self-judgement causes unneeded suffering and will keep you stuck and powerless to change. By giving yourself unconditional acceptance, you will feel free to be and embrace yourself in all situations.

• Realize that love does not always last.
Sadly, this is reality. Even the closest relationships can change. Marriages and friendships can fall apart, and love can fade. You are always growing, and sometimes that may mean you grow apart from those you love. Remember that each relationship serves an important purpose, even if it doesn't always last.

• Cherish your mom and dad.
We all know that no one lives forever, but for some reason, there is part of us that believes our parents will always be there. Make sure to tell your parents how much you love them because there will be a time when you no longer have that chance. The time can come with no advance notice, so let your parents know what they mean to you.

• Know that your body will change.
Just as there is a part of us that believes our parents will live forever, there is also a part of us that believes our bodies will always stay the same. You think that somehow you will be immune from the sagging effects of gravity. But no, gravity eventually will take hold of you, too. One day when you look in the mirror and wonder who that middle age person looking back is, just know you are in good company.

• Start saving for your retirement.
Get into the habit of saving money while you are still young. By starting early, you will have a longer period of time for your savings to compound and grow. By waiting until you are older, you may have to reduce your style of living and work even harder to save for your retirement.

• Understand that not everyone will like you.
There is no use trying to please everyone because there will always be someone that, for whatever reason, will not like you. This says much more about them than it does about you, so don't waste a minute trying to change their mind or figure out why. Your time and energy will be better spent on people who do value you.

• Create your bucket list.
A bucket list is a list of all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket," but they are not just for people who are dying. Don't let the details of your daily life keep you from truly living. Write down everything you've ever wanted to experience during your lifetime. As you accomplish them, mark them off the list one by one. You will find that your life is spent doing the things that truly make you happy.

• Ask yourself if the life you are living is the life you want.
Sometimes our life starts to live us, rather than the other way around. Remember you are in control of your experience. By regularly asking yourself if the life you are living is the life you want, you have opportunities to make needed changes. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, so live the life you dream about.

What insights have you gained in your 40s that you wish you had known sooner?

___________________
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Philotimo: The Essential Virtue of Goodness

Something is happening in today's society. There is change in the air. It's been happening for a while. Consciousness is rising, and many people are waking up to the fact that the states of competition, division, conquer and fear-based tactics are no longer working. The reason is simple; these states of being are based on selfishness and what is in it for the individual. Guess what? Selfishness is old news. Selflessness is in. Selflessness is the force that inspires individuals to care about other people and the world around them.

This is the very essence of the Greek word philotimo. It means "friend of honor," and its roots lie deeply in Greece, the birthplace of democracy. At its core, philotimo is about goodness and generosity of spirit. It's an innate way of life for Greeks, and it represents the open-arms hospitality and authentic giving to people. This way of life is about respecting others as equals and giving unconditionally without expecting anything back. It asks those that possess philotimo to respect and treat others around them with dignity, honor and decency.

Why would I write a blog piece on philotimo? How is this way of being, which is so ingrained in the Greek people and culture, relevant to everyone? It is relevant because our essential nature is goodness, and it is in all of us. Every one of us, deep down, is a vessel of goodness, light and love. Yes, we are. Our true identity is one of goodness and greatness. What keeps us from accessing these qualities is all the pain, hurt and disappointment that we have experienced in our lives. We keep our hearts closed because we fear being hurt. We hold back from giving because we fear that there will not be enough left for us and believe that love is not abundant.

The heart is like a flower. It needs tending and nourishment in the form of love, just like the flower needs nourishment from the sun. If the heart remains closed, it withers away and dies. It doesn't serve us to have our hearts closed no matter what has happened. We need to keep our hearts open to ourselves and to others. We need to discover our true essence, and we can only do this by remaining open. Our true essence, which is one of love, light and wisdom, is all about giving of ourselves to others and life.

If you think about it, we have nothing but ourselves to give away anyway: our presence, our gifts, our knowledge, our kindness and our generosity. It is all there to be given away and shared with others. Something magical happens to us when we place our attention on others instead of ourselves. We open a portal inside of us where joy and fulfillment reside. There is no greater feeling than making someone else happy and knowing you have impacted their life in a positive way. This is the power of philotimo, as it honors the giver and the receiver in the same way.

The concept of philotimo lends itself to the laws of hospitality and the honor and bonds between equals. Treating others with respect and dignity and going out of your way to assist another is considered a noble act. In ancient Greece, philotimo was part of the idea of xenophilia. This meant being respectful to anyone from another town and anyone from far away. If we apply this philosophy today, that means being respectful of everyone no matter where they originate from.

Can you imagine the universal implication of that? Countries would embrace each other. Some countries, instead of bombing each other, would respect each one's differences and offer support. Countries would treat each other with dignity and reverence. At the end of the day, all countries are made up of their citizens, the individuals who live there. The heart of a country is its people, and it's the people's hearts that resonate an energy that influences the country. If enough people are aware and their consciousness is coming from a vibration of love, light and kindness, then this vibration will be stronger than the vibration of fear and insecurity.

As individuals, each one of us has the power within ourselves to change the course of our lives and to impact others around us. We don't just belong to a family and a country; we are part of the whole of the world. And as Socrates boldly stated, "I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world." What we do impacts others on a bigger scale that we don't even know about. What happens to other people on the opposite side of the world is our business. Other people's pain is our pain. Other people's joy is our joy. When we lift others up, we inevitably lift ourselves up, also.

If, at its core, philotimo is hinged in the ideals of honor, dignity, decency and pride, then surely these must firstly be in ourselves. In order to honor another person, to treat them with dignity, decency and pride, you must have these qualities within yourself for yourself. You can't give something to someone that you don't have to give to start with. It all starts with us as unique individuals honoring ourselves and treating ourselves with dignity and decency as well as being proud of who we are and embracing all of our journey. When we have reverence for who we are and our life experience, then we have reverence for others. When we befriend ourselves rather than attack ourselves, we are being a friend of honor to ourselves, and we create the space to be a friend of honor to other people. We have a responsibility to honor and respect ourselves and other people around us.

At the end of the day, philotimo is a natural way of being because the essential nature of each of us is one of goodness, sometimes hidden in the deep layers within ourselves but always ready to surface and take residence in our hearts.

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State Trooper Meets Veteran Officer Who Saved His Life 3 Decades Ago

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (AP) — A veteran Massachusetts State Police trooper and the baby boy whose life he saved more than three decades ago were reunited this week, and through a strange twist of fate, that boy is now a fellow trooper.

Al Balestra, 63, met and shook hands Tuesday with 32-year-old Philip Kucha for the first time since their lives intersected near Logan International Airport on Oct. 18, 1983. "I had a lump in my throat thinking, 'This kid is a grown man right now and you may have had part of that by saving his life,'?" Balestra told the Boston Herald.

Kucha, then 10 months old, was with his parents headed to the airport to pick up his grandfather when he started having convulsions.

His frantic mother spotted a police cruiser and asked for help. Balestra and a now-retired colleague, Stephen O'Brien, decided that because of the heavy traffic, it would take too long for an ambulance to arrive. So they bundled mother and son into their cruiser, turned on their siren and flashing blue lights and knifed through traffic to Massachusetts General Hospital.

Kucha's mother wrote a letter to state police at the time, thanking them for saving her son's life.

State police wrote back, and Kucha's mother recently found that letter and gave it to her son, who graduated from the state police academy in May 2014.

He decided to see if his life savers were still on the job.

"Hey, maybe these guys are still on," Kucha told The Boston Globe, "Sure enough, I found him."

Kucha has no memory of his rescue, and said it had nothing to do with his decision to become a state trooper.

Balestra sure remembers though. In fact, he clearly remembers being involved in saving three children during his four-decade law enforcement career.

"You always remember the little kids," he said.


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The Power of Expectation

What comes to mind when you think of the dentist's office? Do you picture a neutral colored waiting room with months old magazines sitting on a table? Can you hear the drill making contact with a tooth? Do you see the needle? Whatever you imagine you're probably not looking forward to your next visit.

Why? There may be a multitude of reasons but one of the biggest drivers is most likely pain -- either real or imagined. A study into the relationship between pain and the placebo effect used the dentist's office as a testing ground. The findings provide further evidence of our capacity to heal ourselves.

In the study researchers from the University of Turin in Italy gave patients intravenous injections of morphine on two consecutive days to help with the pain associated with dental work. On the third day the same patients underwent similar procedures but were given an injection of saline they believed to be a powerful painkiller.

The results are astounding. Patients given the placebo reported a much higher pain tolerance than you would normally find when given morphine. Think about this for a moment. The placebo was more effective than morphine in treating pain. In this case, the body's own dispensary of natural painkillers served as a better treatment protocol.

In a separate study researchers told 12 Parkinson's patients they were going to receive injections of a new drug that would help their brains produce dopamine. They were told one version cost $1500 and the other cost $100. In reality all 12 were given saline.

Interestingly, researchers found those given the "expensive" version performed better on motor skill tests than those who received the "cheaper" drug. Neither of the placebos worked as well as Levodopa -- the patients' regular drug -- but the more expensive one came close.

The two studies I discussed are different in a number of ways but share one very important concept: expectation. Both sets of study participants believed the injection they received would help them in some way. The patients in the dental study were expressly told while the patients in the Parkinson's study inferred this based on an assumption that higher cost equals greater effectiveness.

Expectation begins the process of releasing the body's inner pharmacy of chemicals. In the first study, patients had taken morphine enough times to allow the body and mind to memorize how it works and thus be conditioned. When the placebo was introduced the mere suggestion of a new and powerful painkiller was enough to stimulate those same changes in mind and body.

Think back to the question I asked at the beginning of this post. The dentist's office conjures up all sorts of unpleasant feelings. Is it possible that we've primed ourselves to expect the worst and thus shouldn't be surprised when our expectations become reality? And shouldn't a different set of expectations yield a new outcome, not just at the dentist but in all aspects of our lives?

Creative Commons Old Anchor Chains by Luke Price is licensed under CC 2.0

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Why More Men Should Practice Yoga

When I first picked up yoga as a regular practice, it was like pulling teeth to get anyone I knew to come to class with me. Maybe it was the mythology, maybe it was the cultural stigmas ("yoga makes you too skinny," "it's for girls"). By the time I started teaching it, the reception was still mixed, with most of my friends choosing a "restorative" class (deep stretches meant to improve relaxation and flexibility, among other benefits) over a rigorous workout class.

As more celebrities step into the spotlight as yogis, I'm happily seeing more and more men give it a shot. Thanks to yoga, they are now enjoying better flexibility, improved performance in other sports, and less injury. So I'd like to finally address some of the issues that keep many men away from this ancient practice, and why it's exactly what they need.

Benefits of Yoga for Men

Men's Fitness Magazine and U.S. News report that yoga can improve:

Digestion and Food Cravings
Everything from boosting your metabolism to giving you a better grip on your diet.

Creativity and Overall Brain Functioning
Focus, productivity, and creative insight are all improved thanks to time on the mat.

Immunity

Quality and Quantity of Sexual Intimacy
Not only are endurance and stamina increased, but focus and connection can deepen thanks to the breathing practices of yoga. Yoga also teaches you to control your physical energy, meaning you can make sex more intense and make the "big moments" last longer. That should be reason enough to accompany your girlfriend to class!

Quality of Sleep and Relaxation
Yoga reduces the stress hormone cortisol, which means less stress and better sleep. What's not to love?

"Yoga for me has been a godsend for strength training and injury prevention. I have noticed a tremendous improvement in the performance of other activities I do (running, biking, and tennis) thanks to my regular practice of yoga."
-- Ryan, age 37, Spokane WA

Yoga's "Natural High"

Yes, miles logged on the treadmill do give that endorphin rush of satisfaction. But yoga has its own built-in natural high too, which is why you feel so good after a class. Many people call this the "post-yoga glow." Yoga workouts release the essential hormone Oxytocin, the "love hormone," which is the hormone that promotes feelings of well-being and happiness. More benefits of Oxytocin include relieved anxiety, increased sexual intimacy, increased desire for social interaction, and lower blood pressure.

Additionally, the mind-body connection accessed in a yoga class (through connecting movements to the breath, paying attention to the sensations of the muscles, etc.) is thought to be a naturally effective treatment of stress and depression (via UndergroundHealthReporter.com).

For more on the studies proving yoga's impact on the brain, see these numbers from Psychology Today.

Who practices yoga?

I always tried to draw men into class by promising a long, svelte, swimmer-esque physique, knowing that they'd fall in love with the flexibility and strength it gave them for other sports. But now, celebrities like Adam Levine and Colin Farrell do the talking. There are so many forms of yoga today that men can find the type that compliments their lifestyle best as well as offering the muscle definition they desire.

Not only that, NFL teams are now also using yoga to improve athlete performance. Teams like the New York Giants and Philadelphia Eagles both practice yoga, according to Men's Fitness Magazine.

"I can't believe how it's improved my flexibility. Then after a few months of not doing yoga, I could barely get through a workout. I had no idea how much stronger it had made me."
-- Kevin, age 31, Austin TX

What to Expect/What to Bring

• Yoga classes consist of a set of postures held for varying amounts of time in accordance with the breath. "Flow" classes mean you'll be moving from pose-to-pose and likely raise your heart rate significantly. You will experience a mixture of standing poses, seated poses and deep stretches, and possibly balancing poses or inversions. Every class is different; be sure to bring an open mind.



• Typical yoga classes are one hour. An all-levels or beginner class is a great place to start as you learn the terminology and get comfortable with the poses. All-levels classes give you the benefit of altering the workout to your strength level per the instructors offered "modifications" (or, ways in which she suggests you can make poses harder or easier)



• A short meditation will likely open and close the class. This is a chance to focus your attention inward, and get rid of the stress of your day and devote your time and energy to yourself. What other moment in your entire day do you get this?
  
  If you're looking for tips for improving or starting your meditation practice, or getting a few tips for that pre-yoga-meditation part of class, see this blog post.



• Wear clothes that are comfortable to move in. Think shorts that you can lunge in, but aren't too short for forward bends. Think shirts or tank tops that are breathable. Make no mistake: You will sweat!



• You will only need a yoga mat. If you do not own one already, call ahead to the studio to ask if they have mats to rent or borrow for the class. If not, you'd be surprised who sells yoga mats today! Don't think you have to spend $75 at a sports store; Burlington Coat Factory in New York City (of all places!) sells yoga mats for $8.

Misconceptions of Yoga for Men
Time to address the questions and issues holding you back from class:

Yoga is for women
Most lineages of yoga were started by men, and practiced only by men. Yoga sequences are designed to strengthen and open every single muscle in the body efficiently and effectively. That means that while machines at the gym target only one muscle without also improving it's mobility, every yoga move does both and to more than one muscle at a time. Think of downward dog, for example: while the calves are being elongated, the shoulders are building strength, holding the body up. The lower back is also getting a stretch, alleviating day-to-day tension, while the core can be activated by pulling the bellybutton to the spine. One move, many benefits. Can your shoulder press machine do that??

Yoga is easy; yoga isn't a good "workout"
Take one Ashtanga yoga class, and I bet you'll be singing a different tune. Ashtanga yoga is a style of specific postures held in flow-sequence (continual movement) for an hour or more. Many students, including myself, sweat buckets from Ashtanga. It's like getting your cardio and your weight training all in one, glorious hour. It's also a great practice in willpower, diligence, dedication, and patience.

You have to know all the pose names and jargon before you go
Think of it this way: You don't take a class Beard Shaving 101 because you already know how to do that. It's a class; you're there to learn. The instructor is there to help guide you through, and will not only explain how to move and when, but will also demonstrate the moves at the front of the class. The point is: Be a student again. One should never stop being a student.

You have to be flexible to practice yoga
Again, fortunately, not true. In fact, natural flexibility can be a disadvantage as you first start yoga. In my experience as a teacher, students who were naturally flexible often focused too much on going too far into a pose right off the bat. As a result, injuries are more likely and they also didn't give much attention to the muscle-strengthening moves either. I am naturally inflexible, as are many new students. This can actually help as you learn the moves, since your body will need to be eased into deep stretches. Not only that, you'll naturally build up the muscles around your joints as your practice improves, keeping them safer as you take on more challenging poses.

Yoga classes are too full of religion
If you want to know the philosophy of the studio before you go, just check out their "about page" or call and ask the front desk what to expect. I cannot make a statement for every studio in existence, but I can say that for the most part, no yoga class will ever ask you to convert, to pray, to practice any religious rituals, or subscribe to any philosophy.

One last note:
As teachers, we try to steer our student's attention to their own mat, not worrying about what another person is doing beside them or how they might look in a pose. Men are often the first to look around, and try to go as deep as the person on the mat beside them. But yoga isn't competitive; it's an individual sport. It's about taking care of your "temple," your body, by conditioning it and also appreciating and respecting it.

I'd love for you to give yoga a try, but I hope you try it mostly for yourself, with the knowledge that you deserve to live well.

As the body ages, it won't be able to do the same workouts and activities it did in younger years. Motion is Lotion, as they say, and yoga is one of the few work outs that can keep joints healthy and lubricated, as well as giving you the stamina and strength to live fully.

So while you'll enjoy toned muscles and an instant jolt to your performance in other sports, keep this in mind: Your workout should help you not only look and feel better, but live better in every aspect. And the people you love will thank you for it to, because you'll have the clarity and presence to truly connect, and keep the stress at bay. No matter your age or physical fitness level, it's never too late to start a practice that will help you live life to the fullest physically and emotionally.

More Resources:

A Man's Introduction to Yoga, Primer Magazine

Are You Man Enough for Yoga? Muscle and Fitness Magazine

7 Benefits of Yoga for Men, US News

10 Professional Athletes who Practice Yoga, Men's Fitness Magazine

5 Reasons Yoga and Strength Training Combine Perfectly,
MindBodyGreen.com

10 Yoga Poses for Runners, Fitness Magazine

Rachael Yahne (@RachaelYahne) is a writer, blogger, and 10 year cancer survivor. You can read more of her articles about healing from life's big struggles, plus more on well-being, and living with passion on her website, HerAfter.com.

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