Two Fit Moms: 8 Travel Poses For Small Spaces

If you’re traveling without a mat or don’t have the space to roll one out, you can still stretch your whole body with these 8 standing poses.

The post Two Fit Moms: 8 Travel Poses For Small Spaces appeared first on Yoga Journal.

From Facts to Meaning, Through Beauty

Science tells us what the world is, not what it means. As expert as they are at collecting and analyzing data, most modern scientists tend to shy away from the question, "What does it all mean?" To them, the question seems so vague as to be, well, meaningless.

Saying 'Yes' to Me

It wasn't until I was sobbing in my classroom on a Saturday afternoon that something finally clicked for me. I, like countless others, have spent my entire life turning my back on what I want to do in order to fill the role of everything to everyone. I had become a broken record, saying "yes" without fail to everyone else, only reserving the "no" for me. Without me knowing, the endless trail of betraying myself had caught up to me and knocked me off my feet, finally taking away my ability to run from what was best for me.

The details of my story are singular, but the premise is the same as millions of people. I live for helping and going beyond what's expected, not for me but for others. I take comfort in knowing that I helped make someone's day a little easier or brighter, even if that means a few extra hours of work or added stress to my day. It's who I am, and I have come to embrace this altruistic lifestyle, but I was completely unaware that each time I had tossed away a part of me to help someone else that those pieces were slowly collecting, readying themselves to knock me flat on my face so that I wasn't able to extend a hand to help. All I could do was use it to wipe away my tears.

I had completely dedicated my life to my students and school, so much so that I utterly lost sight of who I was outside of that role. I had to have a rack to hold all the hats I wore at school: English/journalism teacher, yearbook adviser, volleyball coach, Virtual Learning Academy after school teacher, pep session and variety show co-host, school videographer, makeshift pr liaison for the corporation and so on. I would receive daily emails asking for help outside of my normal role, and I would answer the call every single time.

There I was on a Saturday, which is fitting that I was in on my day off, getting ahead on an extra assignment given to me and trying to plan engaging lessons for the last few days of school. I happened to check to see if the book tour of my favorite author Brenè Brown was up because my heart was set on standing in line for hours just to have that minute to tell her how much she impacted my life. Then, there it was. It was like time stopped and the heavens opened up for me. She was hosting an entire day sponsored by O Magazine filled with talks, a meet and greet and sessions with people from O. My love for Oprah and Brenè is trumped by very few people. It was perfect. I stood up and danced around my room and refused to squelch my child-like giddiness.

I messaged my friend to tell her how God had created the world's most amazing day for me and that we had to get our tickets immediately. I decided to quickly glance at my volleyball schedule, and that was when it all came crashing down. We were hosting a tournament on the very day that I desperately wanted to be somewhere else. Down I went. Sobs shook me, and the 28 years of putting myself last rushed over me like a tidal wave.

There are some of you reading this who are wondering what my deal is and why I would always place myself on the back burner, but I also know there is a group of you who know this pain. The thought of disappointing someone who counts on you is more debilitating than the thought of disappointing yourself, so you just choose others before you. Once in a while though, a moment comes along that is so perfect and beautiful; you want to choose you, but your time has already be promised to a litany of people and groups. It feels like you're playing Monkey in the Middle with your heart, and you're unable to get out of the middle.

When my sobs subsided, I finally learned the lesson I wish didn't take 28 years to discover. It's okay to be the helper. The world needs us. We have selfless hearts and are happiest when we can use whatever talents we have to lend a hand to those who need us. It's who we are, and there is no reason to abandon that part of us; however, there comes a point when we must help ourselves. We have to nurture our hearts since we so freely give it to others. A "no" from us doesn't mean the world stops turning or that we don't love those who need our help. A "no" in order to do something for ourselves is simply a choice to love ourselves as much as we do everyone else.

I am going to see Brenè next month in Nashville. I talked to my volleyball team, and they all said they would only be disappointed if I didn't go because they knew how much I love Brenè and my stacks of O Magazine. My assistant coaches are stepping up to fill my role for the day so that I can meet my hero and be hopelessly awkward and unable to control my excitement. The helper is becoming the helped. It was one of the hardest decisions for me to make because I felt like I was letting everyone down, but every once in a while I have to look in the mirror and realize how detrimental it is to constantly let myself down. We can't give to others what we don't have, so it's imperative that we allow ourselves to recharge before our next "yes."

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Positive Thinking Will Not Change Your Life!

July 12th, 2012 was a day I'll never forget. That was the day everything changed. That was the day when I had to decide that no matter how unfair I thought life was, I was stuck with this one and I had better make the most of it because it was the only one I was going to get.

Fast forward to July 12th, 2015. Exactly three years to the day later. I had just come from my morning Kickboxing class and was relishing in my first written press. I was the "Artist in Profile" in the latest issue of a prominent Nashville magazine. It is a beautiful piece penned by the amazingly talented Tommy Womack and in it he described my life over the past three years. (East Nashville photographer finds herself on a new stage)

He wrote about my success as a photographer and filmmaker, this very blog on The Huffington Post, my 170-pound weight loss and my new exciting future as I begin to step out on the stage and try my hand at public speaking. It was a far cry from that morning 36 months prior when I weighed in at 350 pounds, was flat broke, had no real social life to speak of, my career was tanking and I was in a spiral of depression and self-loathing.

As I was exploring commentary on the article via social media, this blog popped up in my feed. "Positive Attitude" Bullshit: On the dangers of "radical self-love," by Chloe Ann King. She says of the self-love/positive thinking ideology,

"If you just change your attitude and think more positively over time, your life will get easier. Over time, you will land a job that affords you a contract guaranteeing you some security and a pay-check which does not leave you in poverty. You simply have to manifest what you want. Drink a couple of litres of soda pop, add diamantes to your manicure, wear a fake moustache all day long (as Gala Darling really has suggested as a remedy for the blues), put on a nice pink dress and smile a bit more then BOOM! That suicidal depression over the stresses of life such as being unable to buy food because you are on minimum wage, working depressing precarious jobs, and/or the debilitating anxiety over whether your welfare will be cut this week will suddenly melt away."

She's right. Positive thinking isn't going to change your life. Positive thinking will not pull you out of suicidal depression, or get you out of a minimum wage job, or fix your debilitating anxiety.

She talks about a time in her life when she was unemployed and would watch Oprah on TV and subscribed to her magazine. "I even read O Magazine for a while until I realized I was not an idiot and my situation was not my fault." I related to that. I remember all too well spending afternoons stuffing my face (and emotions) with pints of ice cream and frozen pizzas watching Oprah go on about positive thinking and wondering why my phone wasn't ringing with job offers. I was sitting there thinking positively, I tried to follow her advice. I organized my house and even kept a gratitude journal. And every day I would sit down and tune in. How much more positive could I get?

The part I missed and the part that Chloe missed and the part that so many miss is that positive thinking is only half the battle. One of the main themes that is central in these philosophies is also one of the first things that people tend to overlook. You have to also get up off your ass and do something about your situation.

It's so much easier to play the victim and shout about how unfair everything is and how stupid it is to explore self-love and positive thinking when there are starving children in the world, you have disabled friends who can't find their dream job, and your own social case worker made you cry because you were told to change your attitude and take any job, even cleaning toilets. She says that exchange made her feel harassed and humiliated, so she went on the record globally to say that "positive thinking will fucking ruin your life."

I'm not going to sit here and tell anyone that they should take a job cleaning toilets if they don't want to, but I will say that had she had enough of a positive attitude to push through the humiliation, who knows where that job might have led.

I once took a gig shooting some band photos for no money. And at the time, I was broke and I didn't have a day job either. I had no idea where my next meal was coming from and rent was out of the question. But I put my last $2 worth of gas in my car that morning and went. I had no business actually doing it. I was that broke, I really needed that $2. But I was also really determined to make a better life for myself.

As it turned out, I met Dolly Parton's cousin and niece on that shoot and wound up spending a year with the Parton family, getting paid very well, to make a documentary film about them. That project launched my entire film and video career and established some of the dearest friendships I have. I shudder to think about the consequences had I not recognized that opportunity and said "no" because I was broke and frustrated.

I've now worked with more superstars and celebrities than I can count and the one thing every single one of them had in common was that they worked their asses off for it. Not one successful person I know ever just had someone show up and knock on the door one day and hand it to them while they were watching Oprah or bitching about world injustice from the sofa or on the internet.

And I also understand there are people in the world who have extenuating circumstances. There are people with disabilities that can limit them. There are people who live in parts of the world or country where their gender and skin color can hold them back from achieving their goals. But even in those cases, I have seen people use the power of positive thinking to do amazing things.

I was lucky enough in my life to meet a beautiful woman named Sophia. She was a quadriplegic but also a brilliant potter. Yeah, read that again, a quadriplegic potter... And in the years that I knew her, I never once heard her talk about how unfair life was. And she never let her failing body, physical pain or that wheelchair define her or her life circumstances.



Knowing Sophia makes it hard for me to hear Chloe's friend who has a connective tissue disorder say, "When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter how positive I think, my joints are still going to dislocate and I'm still going to be in constant pain." It's not that I don't empathize. I do, but at some point, no matter what your plight, you have to accept the life you've been dealt and figure out how to do something remarkable with it. It's the only one you have. You only get this one shot!

And you can't just think positive. You will have to do some things you don't want to do. You will have to sometimes feel humiliated. You will have to lose sleep, you will probably lose relationships, you will give up television time and nights out with friends. And you will in some form or another be in pain. You will have to step outside your comfort zone and trust me, none of it is going to be easy.

Opportunities present themselves to us every day but you have to be able to see them. As long as you think the whole game is rigged against you, you can't, you just won't have the mindset to recognize it. And you certainly won't have the capacity to put yourself through that kind of work if you are convinced that the world is just unfair, you are never going to catch a break, nothing is your fault, and nothing is ever going to change.

Three years. It took me three years to completely change every single aspect of my life. Chloe is right, positive thinking will not change your life, but there is no way you can or will ever be able to change your life without it.

I keep this quote on my bathroom mirror to remind myself every day.


Notation: I reached out to Chloe King for comment but received no response.

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How to Keep Your Cool in the Pressure Cooker

By meQuilibrium

It would be nice to up and leave any time something stressful happens, wouldn't it? To just slap a Post-it on your computer that says, "Gone. Will be back... eventually." And then skip down to the park or the gym or the movies for some much needed R&R.

For most of us, though, ducking out is simply not an option--if you want to keep your job and relationships intact. You have to stick it out, especially when your job requires you to be in a certain place for a certain period of time. It's like you're in a pressure cooker: The heat and tension can build up, and there's nowhere for it to go.

The key to coping with stress while you're in the pressure cooker -- and dealing with the stress of being in there -- is to focus on what you can control. And that comes down to two things: your emotions and your mind.

Become aware of your thoughts -- and manage them
When you let your thoughts run recklessly around in your head, stress in the pressure cooker is going to feel overwhelming. Say a customer is taking a difficult tone with you, while at the same time you're feeling ragged after a rough night with your toddler. You might think, "I cannot take one more minute of this. This jerk should know better than to yell at me!"

If that thought stays in your mind, your stress (the impatience, the body aches, the dull anger, the feeling of being trapped) will build and build. What you need to is become fully aware of the what the thought is, how it's affecting you, and where it's coming from. Then you can neutralize it and move on with your day with less difficulty (and without needing to run from the building).

At meQuilibrium, we call this process Trap It. Map It. Zap It.

TRAP IT. Notice when your body and emotions start to signal stress. Is your heart beating faster? Are you suddenly exhausted? Snapping at coworkers? Fighting to urge to eat six candy bars? By bringing these emotions and sensations into awareness, you've trapped them and taken away some of their power to derail you.

MAP IT. Now trace the feelings to the thoughts causing them. Trust me, there is always a thought in there! What thought or story flashed through your mind that created these emotions? Was it that you work harder than anybody, so it's not fair that you get the jerky phone call? Was it that you'll never get your kid to sleep before 8 p.m.--you're doomed to exhaustion?

ZAP IT. Challenge that thought. Is it true? Is this one phone call going to last all day? Does everyone really work less than you? Don't let that thought get off so easily. Once you loosen the mental glue, you can both decide how upset you get in the moment and take simple measures to regain your balance, such as deep breathing or simple stretches.

Hit pause
Sometimes, of course, the pressure cooker won't allow you to reflect on your thoughts even for a few minutes. In that case, use the Trap It step to bring awareness to the painful or troublesome emotions and sensations. Are you hunching your shoulders more than usual? Are you stewing over something a coworker said? Are you angry at the technology you use to do your job? Mentally flag it. Jot down a note. Remind yourself that while you can't deal with whatever's going on right this second or react exactly as you'd like to, you can and will address it later when you're not in the cooker anymore.

Whether you're at a desk, in a control booth, or on the phone, what happens in your body and your mind is up to you. You can use that power to keep your cool no matter how hot the pressure cooker gets.

Connect, don't shut down
The thing about being in a pressure cooker is that you're probably not there alone--which can feel like it makes things worse, but it can make things better, too. When you feel the temperature rising, whom can you connect with, in this moment, and how? It may be as simple as a shared eye roll or a quick email to that person ("How are you doing--you ok?"), or maybe, if appropriate, making a light joke to keep your and others' spirits up. You'll make other people feel acknowledged, which is an immediate tension reducer, but you'll also feel better because you've made it a priority to help boost other people. And what goes around, comes around--in a great way.

Lastly, remember why you're doing this and what it's for. You have a purpose in that pressure cooker, and it's vital to the team and the company and the customers, too. It may not feel like a picnic in there, not today anyway, but you are performing a critical role. Focus on what you're really doing from a higher perspective: Supporting your team? Solving people's problems? Not to mention serving as an example for other people and your family? What you do matters, and so reconnecting to that, and the people who matter, can help ease the pressure, and help you let off some steam.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Lights Go On: Part LII -- The Road Not Taken

Click here to listen to Robert Frost recite his poem

This poem has made a difference in my life.

I'll wager it has in yours too.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.



Love to all,
Thomas
Tommy
Thom
T

www.thomasbahler.com
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Achieving a Healthier Work-Life Balance

By Mimi O' Connor

A "leap second" will be added to the world's standard time on June 30, 2015. Yes, you read that correctly...a whole second. The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service is the agency that keeps tabs on the spinning of the planet. (Who knew?) A brief explanation: Our planet's rate of rotation can speed up or slow down because of tides and changes within its core. To keep time uniform, an extra second is periodically added to Coordinated Universal Time, the world's benchmark time standard.


The last leap second was added in 2012 and according to an article in Wired magazine it didn't go so well. As a result, the U.S. and several other countries want to eliminate leap seconds altogether, claiming that they are too disruptive to critically precise systems used for navigation, communication and many other services.

In light of the furor over how to cope with just a single extra second of time, we begin to understand why so many of us become confused with time management issues. Particularly vexing is the issue of whether we can afford to take time off. This conundrum appears to be reflected in a growing trend in America of not using earned vacation days.

Expedia has been conducting studies on vacation deprivation since the year 2000. In 2013 they surveyed 8,535 people across 24 countries and 5 continents about their vacation practices. In the U.S., while 59 percent of Americans reported feeling vacation deprived, their actions did not match their complaints. The survey revealed that Americans left an average of four vacation days unused. This was twice as many as the previous year. Tallied up, that's more than 500 million vacation days lost. The vacation deprivation study also uncovered an additional revelation: "For many people vacation is just an office away from the office." In the U.S., 67 percent of adults, "constantly, regularly or sometimes check work emails and voicemails while on vacation." Ten percent of Americans reported that they can never relax while on vacation.

Achieving and maintaining a healthy work-life balance is no simple task. Juggling the demands of work and personal obligations is an ongoing challenge that can negatively impact our health. When our work-life balance is skewed we become fatigued inside and out. Without awareness, this often results in working harder, but not smarter. The less productive we are, the more compelled we feel to spend additional hours at work. As we continue to sacrifice time with loved ones, we can begin to feel left out and distant in our significant relationships. Often, as we repeatedly work more hours, we are sometimes given additional responsibilities, compounding the imbalance between home life and work life. Inevitably, our healthy lifestyle habits are put on hold. They are replaced instead with grab and go food choices, lack of exercise and little-to-no time set aside in which to de-stress.

Robert Brooks, PhD., co-author of The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life writes, "A lot of people are having a more difficult time finding balance in their lives because there have been cutbacks or layoffs where they work. They're afraid it might happen to them, so they're putting in more hours. But even if you don't have much control over the hours you have to work, you can ask yourself, "In what other ways am I bringing greater enjoyment into my life?" Focus your time and attention on things you can control."

Tips for Promoting Life-Work Balance

Build in Daily Stress-Free Breaks

De-stressing is not a luxury. For optimal health, it is a necessity. When we feel better, we do better. Start by exchanging time spent on the Web, social media sites, etc. with scheduled morning and/or evening sessions. Try some yoga, meditation and deep relaxation. (see our recommended stress management practices). Follow the philosophy and practice of my 72 years-young friend who has been an athlete his entire life. At the start of each week he pencils in periodic rest breaks on his daily calendar. His motto is "Rest is training too."

Say Yes To Receiving Support

Often we feel overwhelmed with too many to-dos and too little time in which to accomplish them. Allow others to help you, answering the following in the affirmative: ...When a trusted friend offers to pick up the kids from school. ...When the budding entrepreneur youngster who lives next door offers to mow your lawn. ...When a neighbor asks if they can help you with errands or drive your elderly Mom to her next doctor visit. ...When a friend calls to invite you to lunch.

Schedule Time in With Loved Ones

Take out your planner and write in when you will spend dedicated time with family and friends each week. In her book, Super Competent: The Six Keys to Perform at Your Productive Best, author Laura Stark writes, "It helps to be proactive about scheduling." She plans a specific activity with her family every Sunday afternoon. She explains that when she isn't specific, "time tends to get frittered away and the weekend may end without us spending quality time together." Planning dinner out with friends or a weekly date night with a significant other renews both body and soul. In the process, our spirits are replenished as we are reminded of the importance of these cherished relationships that feed and nourish us and are so central to our well-being.

Success should not be confused with the size of one's income or bragging rights for how long and hard we have worked. At the end of our lives, few of us will be wishing that we had spent more time at the office. Looking back, true success will be measured by our balanced efforts to love and be loved, while striving to live a diligently compassionate and responsible life. Achievements resonate as hollow, lonely victories when they are not balanced with and tempered by the ability to relax, absorb and savor what brings us joy, meaning and interpersonal connection.

Brian Dyson, former CEO of Coca-Cola Enterprises, sums it all up succinctly in his now famous and oft- quoted 30 second speech on how to successfully achieve a healthy work-life balance. Here it is: "Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them--work, family, health, friends, and spirit and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls--family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."

May that extra leap second be put to good use as we learn daily how to fill both our hours and our hearts equally with an enriching life-work balance.

What helps you to maintain balance when juggling life and work obligations?

Have a questions regarding transforming your way of eating and living, Ask Dr. Ornish!

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How World-Class Explorer Jason Lewis Spends His Down Time

Even the most high-octane adventurers have moments when the excitement dies down, the world stills and they make a point to appreciate the surroundings that allow them to do what they do best. Rich Lisney, the artist behind the British photo blog The Bimbler, captured one of those moments for explorer Jason Lewis, and the result is breathtaking.

Lisney, 51, left the world of advertising behind more than a decade ago when he decided to go off the grid and live his life more in tune with his natural surroundings. Now residing in Dorset, England, he channels his passion for photography and nature into The Bimbler, his blog that captures his adventures one photo essay at a time.

Lewis, on the other hand, was the first person to ever circumnavigate the globe using human power alone. He walked, kayaked, rollerbladed, and pedaled his custom-made boat more than 46,500 miles over the course of 13 years. He proved to himself that he could actually accomplish this feat and preserve the planet in the process.

In some respects, these two men couldn't be more different. But their appreciation of their natural surroundings and effort to participate in moments of mindfulness drew them together after Lewis gave a speech in Lisney's town, which also happened to be where Lewis spent the majority of his childhood. It took a year and a half to coordinate their beach day together, but they finally connected, discussing Lewis' travels and their shared love of nature as Lisney captured it in this poignant photo series Going Against the Flow.





They began their day together with tea and cake, prepared outdoors in a fashion they both have come to know and love.

"I wanted to try and talk about the gaps between traveling and the spaces in between what he does," Lisney told The Huffington Post about his vision for their meeting. "I wanted to dig into that a little bit. What I was particularly interested in, besides his ethics, was this mindfulness, this headspace."



"While listening to Jason recall parts of his fascinating story, it became clear how much importance was placed on the simple act of stopping for a brew … something I can definitely relate to," Lisney writes. Over the course of his circumnavigation adventures, Lewis calculated that he consumed 19,332 mugs of tea and coffee.









"I’d asked him to bring along a couple of small keepsakes that served as reminders of the journey and a battered white mug immediately caught my eye," Lisney writes. "The marks etched around the lip correspond to each of the 111 days it took to pedal across the Atlantic with Steve Smith, his fellow explorer at the time. The mug became cracked mid-ocean and with no spare drinking vessel Jason had to draw on his resourcefulness to make a repair with whatever was to hand." He maintained the integrity of the mug by tightly winding spare rope around it.







"While eating cake and drinking tea we discussed the common ground between bimbling and epic adventures and how they both seem to expand your awareness to what’s happening on the periphery," Lisney writes. "In my case it’s just being inquisitive and trying to notice as much as possible from spending a few hours outside, but for a proper explorer it’s more about using all your senses to heighten awareness of potential risks and rewards."





"The Bimbler has actually been a really good way for me to just get out and get my head straight and reconnect with nature," Lisney told HuffPost. "When I go out, I just walk and walk and think about where I'm going, and the camera comes out and I find myself going into a different headspace. It's massively rewarding to me -- that's my great satisfaction. It's a completely intuitive thing. It's mindfulness."

To see more of Lisney's photo series, check out the rest of The Bimbler.

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15 Simple Ways to Live a Happy Life

"Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence."

Aristotle said this more than 2,000 years ago. And it still holds true today. What is the true purpose of life, if not to live a happy life until we die?

Happiness is one of the most sought-after goals in life, yet for many it seems to be elusive. It's easy to delude ourselves into thinking, "When I just have that nice house and new car, then I can be happy." But in reality, happiness is available to all of us, right now. A big house or a new car won't actually make you happier; it's the simple joys in life that bring true happiness. Read on to learn 15 simple ways that you can start living a happier life today.

1. Do What You Love
If your passion is playing soccer, writing poems, or teaching children how to swim, make time to do it. You'll find that when you're doing what you love, you're filled with joy. How much better does that sound than forcing yourself do something you don't like?

2. Help Others
Sometimes after we've achieved our own personal goals, we still feel empty inside because we haven't made a meaningful contribution to someone else's life. When we volunteer or help others, it feels good to just be of service to someone else. The impact we make feels fulfilling and is a big potential source for our own happiness.

3. Be Thankful
When you think of all the things that you have to be grateful for, you realize how blessed you already are. Without even realizing it, we take our basic necessities for granted -- a roof over your head and plenty of food to eat. By appreciating the things that you already have, you'll begin to feel happier in your life.

4. Share With Others
When we share our thoughts, our time, and our abilities with others we feel better for it. A life lived without sharing can become lonely. When you share with others, they'll feel great towards you and help you to feel more joy in your own life.

5. Smile More
Practice smiling more and see how it affects you internally, as well as those around you. You can always afford to give a smile. Smiling can make you happier -- even if you have to force it, you'll still feel better.

6. Exercise
When was the last time you went to the gym or worked out? Exercise reduces stress and releases endorphins, also known as a "runner's high." Playing sports is a fun way to exercise as well, whether it's kicking around a soccer ball or shooting hoops.

7. Seek Out a Life Coach
A life coach will help you to evaluate your life and why you're not feeling happy in it. Maybe you're holding limiting beliefs or you have an emotional block without realizing it. By speaking to a life coach, you can uncover why you're actually unhappy and what you can do to feel better.

8. Find Ways to Manage Stress
Don't let stress rob you of your birthright to be happy. You deserve to be happy, and it wouldn't be right to let stress get in the way. Practices such as meditation can help you to manage stress better and feel great.

9. Eat Healthy
It's much more challenging to feel truly happy when you're sick. But when you eat right, you feel better both physically and mentally. And you'll avoid that guilty feeling that you just pigged out on junk food.

10. Spend Time With Your Loved Ones
There's no replacement for spending quality time with your loved ones. We're social beings, even if you're an introvert or a loner. People love spending time with their friends and family for good conversation, bonding, and some laughs. Life's too short to live it completely alone.

11. Dump Negative Thinking
You already know that negative thinking will bring you down. So how do you stop it? Become more aware of it and try replacing your negative thoughts with some positive ones. Spend less time with negative people and more time with positive people.

12. Give More Gifts
You don't have to give expensive gifts; sometimes a poem, a quick note, or a thoughtful email will brighten someone else's day, and yours. Share what you can give to all the wonderful people in your life.

13. Forgive and Forget
Holding a grudge will harm you more than the person you're holding it against. Ask yourself, "What would it take for me to let go of the past?" and notice how you feel when you let go of your anger for a few seconds. Focus instead on a bright future and you'll feel better for it.

14. Take a Walk in Nature
Spending time out in nature can be very refreshing and renewing, especially when you're living in an artificial, manmade world. Taking a walk in your local woods or park and getting some fresh air can allow you to appreciate the beauty of the natural world.

15. Be Yourself
As Steve Jobs said, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." Accept who you are, just be yourself, and you'll feel a world of difference.

Want to be happier? Click here to learn how you can live a happy life with life coaching. A life coach is a professional who helps you to be happier, reach your goals, and find your true purpose in life. See how a simple shift in your thinking and attitude towards life can make you feel a whole lot happier.

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A Resource for All Ages

Some of the most moving coaching conversations I have had in my life have been with teens and young adults who have lost their bearings and lost their way. What I love about this population, besides the fact that for several years I was one of them, is how quickly they seem to be able to regain their center and tap back into their innate resilience and creative potential.

This is something that those of us who are parents often seem to forget, and in our love and care for our children we try to protect them with our knowledge instead of pointing them towards their wisdom.

I remember one conversation in particular with a young woman who was on the verge of a breakdown, struggling with a decision about whether to stay in school. She told me all about her (divorced) parents' conflicting arguments on each side, and how each time she thought she'd made up her mind the other parent would talk her out of it.

When I asked her what she would want to do if nobody cared, she looked shocked. "Am I allowed to ask myself that?" she said in a conspiratorial whisper.

When I assured her that she was, she immediately knew the answer but was worried about how it might affect the "losing" parent. So we talked about the thought/feeling system, and how everyone (including her) was living in the feeling of their thinking.

"Does that mean that it's not my fault when my parents gets mad at me?" she asked.

"It does," I replied, "but it also means that it's not their fault when you get mad at them. In fact, it's no one's fault -- just a misunderstanding of where our feelings come from that causes us to look in the wrong direction for a solution."

We spoke for another half an hour or so, and I invited her to check back in with me whenever she wanted. A few days later I heard from her father, who was upset with me that I had given his daughter such "bad advice." When I explained that I hadn't given her any advice other than to follow her own wisdom, he argued that was an irresponsible stance to take given her youth and inexperience.

I listened as best I could, but he left our conversation convinced I was a well-meaning fool who had ruined his daughter's life. A few weeks later, I heard from the young woman again, who called to thank me for helping her to find the courage of her convictions.

"It's funny," she said. "In 19 years, nobody ever once asked me what I wanted to do about anything that mattered. I had no idea that if I asked the question and stopped to listen, I would know the answer."

Fast forward several years into the future and that young woman is thriving. I haven't spoken to her father since that day, but as I've watched my own children growing up and beginning to make more and more of their own choices, I empathize with him. There are definitely times when I find it difficult to trust that the same wisdom that guides my path is guiding my children on theirs.

But then I reflect back on my life and realize I've never really regretted my own mistakes; I've only ever regretted the ones I made trying to follow someone else's ideas of what I should or shouldn't do. And that helps me to find the courage of my own convictions and allow my children to make their way with me as a resource, not a road map.

I love my kids, and I love how they show up in the world. And while I certainly don't know how their lives will ultimately turn out, I find myself being the best parent I can be when I am more curious than afraid.

With all my love,



For more by Michael Neill, click here.

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Have You Ever Tried to Meditate With a Bunch of Frogs?

This past week, while leading a yoga teacher training at Stratton Resort, Vermont, for my company Health Yoga Life, we hiked to a gazebo in the forest by a little pond. (Whenever we come to this very still pond, I immediately think of my friend and musician, Gurunam Singh's song, "Like a calm lake my mind is still." As the pond is so still it creates a mirror like surface. ) As we approached the gazebo, I instructed all the participants to go ahead and take a seat inside for our morning meditation. No sooner had we started to meditate and all of a sudden RIBBIT, RIBBIT, RIBBIT.



As I sat in my meditation I watched my mind wonder to the frogs, then to thoughts about how the participants must be distracted by the frogs, then back to my mantra, then back to the frogs, then back to the mantra, then to thoughts of how nice the breeze was, then back to my mantra. And so on and so forth. At one point I noticed anger well up about the frogs; HOW DARE THEY? At another point joy, HOW FUNNY? And then back to preferring my mantra. We completed the 20 meditation and walked back to the lodge.

As I thought about the experience of meditating by the calm pond, I had a little epiphany. We think when we meditate our minds should be just like that calm lake....perfectly still. But the truth is our thoughts are just like the frogs. Frogs don't magically stop croaking in the place they call home, because I decide to meditate there. Just like thoughts don't stop to come, just because I decide it's time to meditate. It's in the practice of meditating that you begin to see that you control your awareness behind your thoughts. Whatever your awareness goes to grows. As you bring awareness to your mantra, your breath or the space between your thoughts, the little nagging distractions of the mind (sensations, feelings, thoughts) start to lose their grip over your awareness. And therein lies ultimate liberation of your being. This is why you meditate.

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Make Sure There Is Sunshine in Your Word Cloud

Word Cloud Courtesy of Tagul.com

"Dumb me." I have a lovely, intelligent friend who used to have a habit of referring to herself that way.

She was usually laughing or rolling her eyes when she said it, her intent less than serious. But even casually self-deprecation has a way of echoing in our heads, bouncing around destructively. I was pleased and proud of her when she decided to drop the phrase.

The occasion made me think about word clouds. I love word clouds.

In case you're unfamiliar with them: Word clouds are designs that a computer can generate from more traditional compositions. The starting point can be a paragraph or single blog post, or it can be more complicated -- perhaps all of the words on a website or in a book or database.

The result is an artsy jumble that shows the words that appeared most often in the source material as the largest or the most boldly colored. The least common words come out in the design in the faintest or the smallest type.

I think the beauty in word clouds lies in their element of surprise. And the way they make you think about priorities.

You might think you know the theme or emphasis of something you've written, but a word cloud can paint a different picture by revealing what you've repeated most. Repetition is obviously not always the ultimate measure of a word's power or importance, but it does matter -- perhaps even more with words that are spoken.

What if you poured every word you've ever said to your children into a word-cloud generator? I imagine it would alarm you as a parent if affirming phrases like "I love you" came out small and faint.

And what about your self-talk? We're often much less careful and caring with the words or phrases we use when talking to or thinking about ourselves.

When I was younger, negative messages ran like MP3s in my head: "not good enough," "not pretty enough," "not smart enough," "not rich enough." Now that I am in midlife I still hear those messages sometimes, but I have a better sense of self and of all that I have to be grateful for and proud of.

When I look in the mirror, if I find my self-talk focusing on my flaws -- wrinkles under my eyes, flab around the middle -- I do what I advise my lifestyle-coaching clients to do. I shift my attention. I change the conversation.

The effect is amazing. Flaws don't disappear, but they fade from view -- because my focus shifts. I see my pretty blue eyes, my long legs, my warm smile. And I give those things the energy of my thoughts, the power of my words.

Today I'm hoping that you, too, can see all that is right and wonderful about yourself, and that you can choose the words you think and say accordingly. With love. Build a beautiful word cloud. I promise it will help to build an even more beautiful you.

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Woman Takes Home Dying Dog, Embarks On Loving Last Adventures With Him

One dog lover is making sure that a pooch will enjoy his last days to the fullest.

Nicole Elliot, a 24-year-old from Columbus, Georgia, was looking through animal shelter Animal Ark Rescue's Facebook page when she came across Chester, a dog who needed an owner, according to WTVM. Chester had been rescued from a high-kill shelter and had a tumor on top of his head. Though the pooch is a senior dog with terminal cancer, that didn't deter Elliot from deciding to foster him.

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 7:02pm PDT

After bringing the canine home late last month, Elliot set out to complete a "bucket list" with Chester to give him memorable final days, according to a Facebook post. The two have been embarking on adventures ever since with Elliot documenting the experience on "Chester's final journey," a Facebook page for the pooch.

Nathan's hot dog #checkoffofbucketlist #chestersfinaljourney #bucketlist #rescuepup #animallovers #finalride #cancersucks #love #olddogs #sickbaby #welovehim #hospicefoster #newfamily #adopt

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 6:59pm PDT

The 24-year-old hopes that her project will ultimately motivate others to look into adopting senior pets.

"That was my main goal -- to inspire and encourage people to adopt shelter animals that people are less likely to adopt, like older ones and the terminally ill," Elliot told ABC News.

Happy 4th from Chester and Pierre!! #awareness #adopt #animallovers #bucketlist #cancersucks #checkoffofbucketlist #chestersfinaljourney #finalride #hospicefoster #love #newfamily #olddogs #rescuepup #sickbaby #shelteranimals #welovehim

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 7:23pm PDT

Elliot and Chester have already checked off quite a few items from the bucket list. Chester went on a shopping spree, took an oatmeal bath, went swimming and ate hot dogs among other activities. He's also had fun playing with Elliot's cats and other pup, Pierre.

And Elliot told ABC News that she's got more plans in the works.

"I also want to take him on a boat ride, to the beach and to have professional photographer take pictures of him," she said. "I want to have [the photos] after he's gone."

He loved the water!! #awareness #shelteranimals #chestersfinaljourney #bucketlist #rescuepup #animallovers #finalride #cancersucks #love #olddogs #sickbaby #welovehim #hospicefoster #newfamily #adopt

A photo posted by Nicole Elliott (@chestersfinaljourney) on Jul 4, 2015 at 7:08pm PDT

Chester was surrendered by his previous owners before ending up at a high-kill shelter, WTVM reported. After he was rescued, the pooch had surgery to remove some tumors, however, they continued to show up on his body. The canine currently has cancerous lumps on his body and is heartworm positive, according to a Facebook post. Given the challenges he's faced, Elliot says she's more than happy to provide some joy in his life.

"He deserves it," she told ABC News. "His past life didn’t seem too well."

The before and after of Chester after being saved from deathrow at the pound in Columbus. I want to thank Animal Ark...

Posted by Chester's final journey on Sunday, June 28, 2015

While Elliot has many more plans for the pooch, there's one special bucket list item that she's been calling on the Internet community to help her out with -- supporting animal shelters. She's created a crowdfunded campaign to help Animal Ark Rescue and encouraged others to support the shelter as well as the rescue animals in it.

It's unclear as to how much time Chester has left, but Elliot says this won't be the last time she's helping rescue animals like him. She intends to care for other senior pets with illnesses in the future, according to ABC News.

"I think all animals should have a chance to have a happy life," she said.

To learn more about Chester and his adventures, visit his Facebook page here . To learn more about Animal Ark Rescue or to donate, visit the crowdfunding campaign here.

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A Loving Realization: You Get What You Give Is a Lie

"You get what you give" is a lie.

A better way to phrase it to me: "Without expectation, give what you truly want out into the world, only then, will you get what is meant for you. It's not always a fair trade, but always returned in abundance. "

Even in the darkest and saddest moments I feel the lure to love. Not to find something that will fix or complete me, but to feel that soft crashing wave of giving so much of your heart that it hurts from overuse. This is how I know I am here and meant to love and give and stay open to all that is.

It may not look pretty. I often see love less as something beautiful in the classical way. I lean towards love that is messy because humans are messy. It is layers and layers of etching through the soot and dirt that has accumulated over time. Childhood alone is responsible for so many of the restraints and shackles we build around our capacity to receive love. Yet, why? Never, do I have the urge to hold my love in and horde it?



Mine is a blanket of beating bleeding love that flies in the wind, whipping and snapping wildly. I don't even remotely feel the need to pull it in, or roll it up for myself. My love of self was a stranger until recently. I think I've finally realized that there are so many aspects of life that are quite different than what we've been taught.

I was indirectly taught that everything is black or white, or mutually exclusive. If you're a "good girl" you are never bad. If you are a bad girl or "naughty girl" you can't be good again. So too, was all things I believed as a small child. Then, things get muddy. I saw adults who had the "answers" get lost and do things I knew instinctually were off path. I witnessed injustice and death and loss.

What I think: You get what you get. There's no universal rule of justice and fairness in love. But, when your own heart is full, giving is the real "get."



So many of my heartbreaks that shook me were hugely important. I had to learn the cost, the price and the risk of giving so much. Often I gave so much to the wrong ones. Often I received nothing because I couldn't if I didn't believe I should. None of the rules applied, as I was taught, none, except mutually exclusivity. If I have dark thoughts, if I didn't shine enough or work enough to keep my parents in love, or my mother in my life, I knew. I knew with a child's mind that I was broken, and defunct and not worthy of the love I knew existed.

So I gave. I gave with reckless abandon, and I pushed away if my big heart, and kind eyes fooled the receiver enough. They must be wrong, or foolish so I let them go. There is an entire wake of people piled and filed in one of two groups: Those confirming my self-belief or threatening it. Both types ended by my own saboteur expertise or my self-effaced rejections.

Unlearning such patterns is impossible with out the sight of your soul. I am in a state of learning again. I am a child, free and open to the idea that there are no specific buckets within which I fall. I am a hodgepodge of all that I have seen, done, heard, written and read and I live on.

I know that judging is not my place. I love. You say you love, but you speak so loudly of love that insecurity screams through. In the kind of love I have and give it is quite. It whispers and sways to those that are worthy of knowing about it. My love is fierce in protection or fragile in doubt, but never does it need to be used to manipulate, keep score or seek others to congratulate me.

Love is what so many say they understand, and yet they act and speak without it. They push and shove to make it work and judge those who don't. What if love changes? What if the soul is a kaleidoscope of changing elements that are beyond a box, description or word you would use. Love like I create and hope to receive is soft and content and constant.



I give you full permission to pit yourself against my heart and me. I've let go of your definition of acceptance because the rules under which you are ruled make no sense to me. I don't hurt the ones I love the most because it's "safe." Nothing is safe. I don't expect that I shall be loved based on a picture in magazines, or a façade a small town prescribes for mass production to only raise and ruin children to be just as you are, not who they are.

I have finally given myself permission to give love freely... to me, to those I choose and to care less what anyone thinks "it" should look like. The one thing I have learned is the more I learn to love fully, the more I realize not many do.

But when you find others, those seekers of truth, defenders of love and nurturers of the sacred and difficult path of compassion, they feel like a family your entire life was leading you to. As for those who claim ownership of a definition or the "right" way to love, they will no doubt get what they give.

I will focus my efforts and journey on those strong enough to receive real love. Or the even stronger, are those who worked so hard to get to this place of loving so much that all we see are the people and places to GIVE it.

They will get what I can give.

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Three Days in an Ashram, Five Lessons Learned

It was a Thursday morning, and I just finished a different kind of meditation. As most of my startup friends know, I am a huge meditation buff, and try my best to do it religiously every morning.

I was logging into my email to tackle the 100s of emails I get daily, and do some mundane work regarding legal, accounting, etc. that all startup founders have to go through.

But, for some reason, I felt a strong urge to take the next train/flight to New Jersey to spend time with Kamlesh Patel (my guru and spiritual global leader) at the Natural Path (Sahaj Marg) Ashram in New Jersey.

Without thinking twice, I jumped on the next Amtrak train for New Jersey. On the train, I finished a finishing a business pitch, tackle three phone calls, and tried my best to get in the right mindset and develop the correct frame of mind before my stay in the Ashram. Trust me, this is a HUGE leap from three years ago when I would resist to step foot.

Being through a transformative three days, here are five lessons I learned:

Lesson #1: Trust your heart -- not your head

Luckily after starting meditation, I have opportunities to get some major introspection time before and after sessions in the morning and evening, especially in the ashram. Most people know me as being extremely blunt, to the point, and also having straightforward thinking, but it wasn't always like that.

Especially if you are managing people, you have to make decisions fast. I have learned after two years that if something keeps coming in my head and bothering me from my day-to-day work, I will sit down in meditation for some time, and see what my heart tells me. 100% of the time, I have never regret it.

Try it now -- is something on your mind? Sit down and meditate on it.

Lesson#2: Blood relations are meaningless -- love all

When I reached the New Jersey Amtrak station, a family lovingly picked me up from the station greeted me. The best part about this -- none of them were "Kulkarni's" or had any blood relation to me, yet, still drove me one and a half hours away from the station to their home where they fed me and allowed me a place to call mine for the night.

I find myself confused when I hear "I need to spend time with my family." My thought process is the concept of family should not just stem from your immediate blood family, but everyone human being that you encounter. We have a responsibility to look out for one another, and this was clearly demonstrated in this encounter.

An easy way to do this, call every single person your brother and sister. It may sound weird, but this forced action will later develop in you naturally loving and looking other for the other person. I do it all the time.

Lesson #3: Don't brood over problems -- negate them from your system

Being a startup entrepreneur, you have to make decisions fast. My good friend and spiritual follower Rajesh Setty once told me "If I am sleeping at night, and I cannot sleep, I get up and tell myself that I will never do whatever is keeping me up again."

This exact situation happened to me when we hired an intern at Insightfully. The intern was doing work, but we weren't including them in our meetings or discussions. Instead of constantly thinking about the problem and negating it, I ended up negating it from my system, and solving it in the process by resolving this with our co-founders and coming with the next steps road map.

Lesson #4: Balance aspects of life

I had a discussion with my sister, Sonia Dovedy, a successful yoga teacher and wellness coach. Sonia was talking to me about the interlinking of spiritual, material, and health when it comes to success to human beings.

As startup founders, I realized that we do a fantastic job working 15-17 hours a day, but do a terrible job balancing our lives in the aspects that play a fundamental roll in efficiency. For example, if are an overweight founder, try losing some of the weight, start meditating, and then tell me how much more success you have. There is a reason why we need balance for long-term success.

Lesson #5: Just chill


Dating back to when I was starting a course regarding finance, I was extremely concerned with being able to keep up. In the Ashram, I will never forget my sister Kamini Khanjee telling me to "stop worrying about things that aren't in your control."

It is hard to fathom at first, but It's so true! How many of us are constantly "worried about getting enough sales", or "if hiring someone will impact our business". The list goes on and on. Learn to do what you do best, and enjoy the ride.

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40 Years of Stanford Research Found That People With This One Quality Are More Likely to Succeed

In the 1960s, a Stanford professor named Walter Mischel began conducting a series of important psychological studies.

During his experiments, Mischel and his team tested hundreds of children -- most of them around the ages of 4 and 5 years old -- and revealed what is now believed to be one of the most important characteristics for success in health, work and life.

Let's talk about what happened and, more importantly, how you can use it.

The Marshmallow Experiment

The experiment began by bringing each child into a private room, sitting them down in a chair, and placing a marshmallow on the table in front of them.

At this point, the researcher offered a deal to the child.

The researcher told the child that he was going to leave the room and that if the child did not eat the marshmallow while he was away, then they would be rewarded with a second marshmallow. However, if the child decided to eat the first one before the researcher came back, then they would not get a second marshmallow.

So the choice was simple: one treat right now or two treats later.

The researcher left the room for 15 minutes.

As you can imagine, the footage of the children waiting alone in the room was rather entertaining. Some kids jumped up and ate the first marshmallow as soon as the researcher closed the door. Others wiggled and bounced and scooted in their chairs as they tried to restrain themselves, but eventually gave in to temptation a few minutes later. And finally, a few of the children did manage to wait the entire time.

Published in 1972, this popular study became known as The Marshmallow Experiment, but it wasn't the treat that made it famous. The interesting part came years later.

The Power of Delayed Gratification

As the years rolled on and the children grew up, the researchers conducted follow up studies and tracked each child's progress in a number of areas. What they found was surprising.

The children who were willing to delay gratification and waited to receive the second marshmallow ended up having higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better responses to stress, better social skills as reported by their parents, and generally better scores in a range of other life measures. (You can see the followup studies here, here, and here.)

The researchers followed each child for more than 40 years and over and over again, the group who waited patiently for the second marshmallow succeed in whatever capacity they were measuring. In other words, this series of experiments proved that the ability to delay gratification was critical for success in life.

And if you look around, you'll see this playing out everywhere...

• If you delay the gratification of watching television and get your homework done now, then you'll learn more and get better grades.


• If you delay the gratification of buying desserts and chips at the store, then you'll eat healthier when you get home.


• If you delay the gratification of finishing your workout early and put in a few more reps, then you'll be stronger.

... and countless other examples.

Success usually comes down to choosing the pain of discipline over the ease of distraction. And that's exactly what delayed gratification is all about.

This brings us to an interesting question: Did some children naturally have more self-control, and thus were destined for success? Or can you learn to develop this important trait?

What Determines Your Ability to Delay Gratification?

Researchers at the University of Rochester decided to replicate the marshmallow experiment, but with an important twist. (You can read the study here.)

Before offering the child the marshmallow, the researchers split the children into two groups.

The first group was exposed to a series of unreliable experiences. For example, the researcher gave the child a small box of crayons and promised to bring a bigger one, but never did. Then the researcher gave the child a small sticker and promised to bring a better selection of stickers, but never did.

Meanwhile, the second group had very reliable experiences. They were promised better crayons and got them. They were told about the better stickers and then they received them.

You can imagine the impact these experiences had on the marshmallow test. The children in the unreliable group had no reason to trust that the researchers would bring a second marshmallow and thus they didn't wait very long to eat the first one.

Meanwhile, the children in the second group were training their brains to see delayed gratification as a positive. Every time the researcher made a promise and then delivered on it, the child's brain registered two things: 1) waiting for gratification is worth it and 2) I have the capability to wait. As a result, the second group waited an average of four times longer than the first group.

In other words, the child's ability to delay gratification and display self-control was not a predetermined trait, but rather was impacted by the experiences and environment that surrounded them. In fact, the effects of the environment were almost instantaneous. Just a few minutes of reliable or unreliable experiences were enough to push the actions of each child in one direction or another.

What can you and I learn from all of this?

How to Become Better at Delaying Gratification

Before we go further, let's clear one thing up: for one reason or another, the Marshmallow Experiment has become particularly popular. You'll find it mentioned in nearly every major media outlet. But these studies are just one piece of data, a small insight into the story of success. Human behavior (and life in general) is a lot more complex than that, so let's not pretend that one choice a four-year-old makes will determine the rest of his or her life.

But...

The studies above do make one thing clear: if you want to succeed at something, at some point you will need to find the ability to be disciplined and take action instead of becoming distracted and doing what's easy. Success in nearly every field requires you to ignore doing something easier (delaying gratification) in favor of doing something harder (doing the work and putting in your reps).

But the key takeaway here is that even if you don't feel like you're good at delaying gratification now, you can train yourself to become better simply by making a few small improvements. In the case of the children in the study, this meant being exposed to a reliable environment where the researcher promised something and then delivered it.

You and I can do the same thing. We can train our ability to delay gratification, just like we can train our muscles in the gym. And you can do it in the same way as the child and the researcher: by promising something small and then delivering. Over and over again until your brain says, 1. Yes, it's worth it to wait and 2. Yes, I have the capability to do this.

Here are 4 simple ways to do exactly that:

1. Start incredibly small. Make your new habit "so easy you can't say no." (Hat tip to Leo Babauta.)


2. Improve one thing, by one percent. Do it again tomorrow.


3. Use the "Seinfeld Strategy" to maintain consistency.


4. Find a way to get started in less than two minutes.

James Clear writes at JamesClear.com, where he shares science-based ideas for living a better life and building habits that stick. To get strategies for boosting your mental and physical performance by 10x, join his free newsletter.

This article was originally published on JamesClear.com.

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Own Your Sh*t

"I can't believe this is happening to me!"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why do these things always happen to me?"
"Why do people always treat me like this?"

For many of us, this sounds familiar. The all-too-familiar victim mentality or, as I like to call it, the woe-is-me mentality. I can relate, because that was how I chose to live my life up until 2012. Notice how I used the word "chose"...

The Universe guides us along our path, but it's also gifted us with a beautiful thing called CHOICE. We always have the right to choose -- in every single situation and experience -- we make choices. The accumulation of all our life choices leads us to where we stand today. Simply put... Your current life situation was manifested by you.

The only person responsible for the state of your life is you.
Someone else didn't do this to you. You did this to you.
Someone else didn't punish you. You are punishing you.
The life around you is a direct reflection of the life within you.
YOU are responsible for the state of your life.

Breathe that in. This is a huge reality check. In fact, I call this my Shake-Your-Shoulders reality check. It's easy to go into defense mode after hearing a truth like this...

"But I didn't choose to be dumped like that! He/She dumped me!"
"But I didn't choose to be hurt by them! They hurt me!"
"But I didn't choose to be fired from work! They fired me!"

This reality check can stir stir things up, but it's the truth. I've lived through this exact experience. In 2012, I ended a 4.5-year relationship that was verbally and emotionally abusive. I ended it because I found out that he'd been unfaithful the entire time with multiple women -- some of which were my "friends." This was the incident that opened my eyes to personal responsibility...



I had experienced a few toxic relationships prior to this one and noticed that my relationships were progressively getting worse. This particular relationship left me feeling completely depleted, emotionally exhausted, and with an empty tank of self-worth. I could have easily taken the woe-is-me route as I had so many times in the past...

"Why did he cheat on me? How could he do this to me?"

But I didn't. Instead, I began to reflect. Did the Universe really hate me so much that it continued to send horrible men my way? No. So what was going on? Well, the only commonality between all of these experiences, was me. I was the common denominator. This is truly a hard truth to swallow when you're in the habit of blaming others, but it's a truth that I needed to hear.

I asked myself: What was I doing wrong? And the answer poured out...
I was choosing to accept these men in my life.
That's right, I chose them and chose to stay with them. Talk about a pivotal life-changing moment!

Let's focus on the facts...
My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive, he cheated on me, my "friends" lied to me, and I chose to stay.

I'm not stupid. I had my suspicions throughout the relationship, but I chose to ignore them. That was my choice. How did I go from leading a series of unhealthy, toxic relationships to my current loving and fulfilling marriage? Simple. I began to own my sh*t.

When you choose to remain a victim, you are choosing to remain stuck. You fail to see the lessons that these experiences offer, and you don't allow yourself the opportunity to move forward. When you don't own our experiences, those experiences hold power over you. This is why you feel so powerless when it comes to your life. You've given up your power!

When you own your experiences, you take responsibility. Through this ownership, you open yourself up to seeing the lessons that these experiences offer, and through those lessons, you gain the opportunity to move forward and become "unstuck." When you own your experiences, you become empowered by them; you become the creator of your life.

Whatever happens in your life (no matter how awful it may be) remember, that you always have a choice. By creating this shift in my mindset, I've gained back my power and created a phenomenal life for myself. I'm married to the most amazing, loving, and supportive husband I could have ever asked for, I have a successful and purpose-driven career, and I am surrounded by positive and uplifting people.

Own your sh*t so you can stop being a victim.
Own your sh*t so you can take back control of your life.
Own your sh*t, and become empowered.
Own your sh*t so you can create a life you truly love.

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